“Seriously” I groaned “where do you people go to the bathroom?”
“Ho-ho-ho” guffawed Martialla like a dinner theater Friar Tuck in a production of Robin Hood and his Merry Men “we won’t be back to the scented baths of Shelhadrizar for quite a while my dainty friend! There’s a quest afoot!”
I glared at her “I know you know what I mean, don’t need to take a bath I need to take a dump!”
Rikheart Steel frowned “What do you need to dump? You’re barely carrying anything.”
Before I could even tell them both to forget it Pikkewyn trotted up to me like an excited yellow lab waving around my ridiculous star-fish weapon “Ela, Ela, you forgot the Diamondblade of Jarot again! It’s a good think I keep finding it for you huh?”
I flinched back from the blade-tips she was jabbing at me “Watch it kid you’re going to put someone’s eye out. How the hell am I supposed to even use this thing? Any way I hold it there’s a blade pointing back at my wrist! I’ll cut my own arm off it I try to do anything with that.”
“You’ve never had any trouble before” grumbled Martialla from above.
Avara radiated inspirational leadership at me like a hurricane battering a capybara “Sweet Ela, your beau the mermaid queen has given you a great gift in the Diamondblade of Jarot, you . . .”
I flipped at hand at her “Shut up about the mermaid queen. I know it’s been a while but I’m not going to hump a fish!” I turned to Caducea “Plus I’m not even gay, not that there’s anything wrong with that, it’s just not my preference.”
Avara gasped like I had just slipped a thumb up her butt on the dance floor at the Conga Room. Everyone else was staring at me like they had just seen me slip a thumb up her butt on the dance floor at the Conga Room.
Rikheart steel shook his head like a disapproving father “We don’t use that kind of disrespectful language Ela.
Avara took my free hand in hers with her inescapable iron grip “S-U, those are two awful words that have ruined many lives, sweet Ela. I know that you’re experiencing difficulties right now, but we’ll get through this grim time together with friendship and kindness. Don’t go down the path of rudeness. That’s a path we cannot follow you through and we are each of us nothing without our friends.”
I looked to the sky for help “My god. This isn’t the eighties. This isn’t even a show for kids!” I sighed “I’m very sorry about using those words, please forgive me so we can continue our adventures together because there is nothing more important than friendship and niceness and rainbows.”
Pikkewyn jumped and threw a fist in the air “The’s the spirit!”
Martialla guffawed and clapped me on the back, sending me sprawling “Good on you!”
Avara had a sly smile on her face like she had really just tricked me into being a better person. Or like she was heading out to the dance floor at the Conga Room and had just given me the green light to give her a thumb up the butt on the downlow. Right there, in front of everyone.
After that drama we continued on the way to wherever the hell we were going with me awkwardly holding my murder-starfish because what else could I do with it? There’s no sheath that you can put it in. You can’t even put it in a backpack, not that I had a backpack anyway.
Did you know that the first season of She-Ra had more than sixty episodes? They were doing that show daily. Daily! Can you even imagine? This delusion or Matrix Thirteenth Floor eXistenZ Total Recall bullshit or whatever it is better be just a single episode. I can’t do a whole season. I just can’t.
I need to find a way out of this.