“I know what you’re thinking, if none of this is real why not go on a killing rampage? Here’s why I hesitate to do that, if I’m mentally divergent that could mean that I’ll still interacting with people for real. I may see a Gildarian blacksmith but in reality that could be an Uber drive. I could be slaughtering people in the real world. Plus there’s always the chance that this is real, small though that chance may be. Ah, but doesn’t that argue against my current course of action since I would be putting myself in danger? Which would also be a problem in either of those cases you just made? Very astute, very astute my friend, but let me throw this at you, in a Matrix style scenario where what you’re not experiencing is quote unquote real does that make the value of those quote unquote fake lives any less?”
Rikheart Steel and Pikkewyn exchanged concerned looks “Who’s she talking to?” they asked each other at the same time.
Martialla loomed over to them, tall as a mighty hillock “Perhaps she’s become a seeress and she seeks council from beyond the world of the mundane.”
Avara came to stand by me at the edge of the Cliffs of Howling Wind “Sweet Ela to whom do you speak?”
I glanced at her “Myself.” I gestured “You know this makes no sense. There shouldn’t be a cliff here. That’s not how topography works. I told those assholes that we needed to have a map made of the world, people love maps of this shit. Have you ever seen a fantasy novel that didn’t have a map in the front? I submit that you have not!”
Uncertainty clouded her perfect perfect pretty face “What is it that you contemplate sweet Ela?”
I gestured again “I was thinking about throwing myself off here. Or jumping I guess, I can’t throw myself literally, that’s a dumb turn of phrase.”
She gathered me up in her arms as easily as if I was a little girl’s doll (not that girls play with dolls anymore but you know) pressing me tight to her bosom “Oh sweet Ela don’t even think such a thing! Do not despair, for as long as companions stay true to purpose and unwavering on our course evil can never win!”
I squirmed away, but only because she let me go, how can she be so strong? Not even strong considering her size, strong like impossible strong, it was like I had been seized by the arm of a construction crane!
I staggered away, but carefully to the side, since I wasn’t sure I wanted to jump yet “Jesus, what is wrong with you?! Why are your boobs so hot?! It was like someone was pressing two steaming bowls of chili to my face!”
She made to grab at me again and I danced away “Oh sweet Ela, you’ve been acting to strangely lately! I fear that you labor under the curse of a Doom Goblin or the horror mark of Chemnisot the Monarch Worm!”
“Yeah, I’m all fucked up” I said irritable “my eyelids have been twitching like they do when you drink too much coffee and then stare at screens all day.”
“Oh sweet Ela” she wailed “your speech has become so vexing of late! I need your wise counsel in plain language if we are to defeat the evil schemes of Duke Eaglevane!”
I waved a hand at her “Cool your jets here lava tits. Wasn’t there an episode of Star Trek like this? They had to finish the thing to get out? Or was that Space Nineteen-Ninety Nine? Maybe I just play to play through the scenario.”
Martialla leaned in to Caducea and whispered to her louder than most people’s normal volume of speech “Are you sure you healed her right?”
I shrugged “Alright, let’s just do this and see what happens.”
Avara twirled around like a ballerina for no particular reason “Huzzah!”
“Huzzah? This isn’t olden times, it’s all made up. Next you’ll be trying to forsooth me.”
Pikkewyn gasped and turned bright red as Caducea clapped her hands over her ears while Rikheart Steel guffawed a guffaw.
“Language sweet Ela” Avara tutted at me like a schoolmarm “there are young ears about!” She immediately was happy again “Now let’s get you equipped! Your fingers would remember their old strength better, if they grasped your weapon.”
“That’s directly from Lord of the Rings, you can’t do that” I grumbled.
Grinning Martialla clomped over like a Clydesdale and held up some wriggly looking starfish blade thing in her hand. She tried to hand it to me but I had no idea how to handle it even if I wanted to, which I did not.
“What the hell is this?”
Avara laughed so prettily I wanted to shove her off the cliff “What a grand jest! Do you not recognize the Diamondblade of Jarot, given to you by your beau the mermaid queen herself?”
I started “Beau? Mermaid queen? When did we come up with that?”