I got stiffed by the assholes running last couple shows I worked so I jumped on Choremonkey to get enough cash to eat for the next couple of days. I signed up on Choremonkey a while ago but this is the first time I’ve actually taken a job.
I went to an old lady’s house and moved a dresser for her. That was it. Literally took 9 seconds. She gave me fifty bucks cash money. People are supposed to pay on the app so the Choremonkey people can take their 30% commission but she winked at me and said they didn’t need to know about it.
I was standing around awkwardly because I assumed there were more chores. She gave me a look like she was going to say something weird about the way I look or ask if I was born a man. Instead she complimented me on not having my ears pierced. She’s very disappointed in the women today and their flashy jewelry. Jezebels she called them.
I told her I felt weird taking her fifty for just moving a dresser. She said that I could stay a while a keep her company if that would make me feel better about the payout. Movies and shows have taught me that old ladies are good cooks. This is not true. She took me into the kitchen and fed me a grey loaf that tasted like wet cardboard.
As I was doing my best to choke that down she said that I have the knuckles of a boxer. I told her she was close, that I was a wrestler. She said that she used to watch Fred Kohler’s Champions from the Marigold Arena in Chicago.
I’m usually pretty good at keeping it together but when she said without batting an eye that in ’61 Sweet Daddy Siki was the first black guy she ever had sex with I choked and almost spit grey loaf all over the table.