If she dies, she dies

That was a stupid thing I did.  I should have been killed. 

I think I did it because of the monsters with the teeth.  I haven’t been scared like that in a long time.  I thought I was done with that kind of fear.  That’s how I dealt with, or didn’t deal with, my emotional shit maybe.  Those days were bad but it’s over and it was never going to happen again.  So I could handle it.  Or ignore it maybe.

Being helpless like that, being scared.  It brought back a lot of stuff.  I didn’t know how to deal.  I think that’s why I did it.  But I don’t know.  Was I trying to prove how badass I was?  Did I want to die?  Maybe both, if you do this then you deserve to live, if not dot dot dot. 

People can react in strange ways when they get hurt.  I was at a show where a guy broke his back.  He’s lying there in the ring and they’re working on him and he says “I think the clock on my phone is slow.  How is that possible?”  I wonder what happened to him.  I should look him up.

Obaluaiye told me there’s a thing called susto.  Susto is when your spirit gets separated from your corporeal body.  Like astral projection only you’re not doing it intentionally.  He said that it can happen because of a sudden shock or from extreme fear.  Someone else can also do it to you with a spell, knock your spirit out of your body, but that’s dark magic.  Obaluaiye wouldn’t have done that.

According to Obaluaiye when the spirit is outside the body unintentionally it’s hard for it to know what’s happened and as much as it wants to find a way back to the body it can’t usually.  If this goes on for too long the mind and the body grow ill.  You get nervous, depressed, listless, and you can get physically sick. 

He said that one of his duties was the recovery of these lost souls.

Maybe something like that happened to me and my spirit found its way back.  I’m okay now. 

I have some therapy apps I listen to.  Sometimes I think I should talk to a therapist in real life.  Most of the time I don’t see what good it can do.  It all seems to be a way to get you to accept what happened.  I feel like I have accepted it.  Bad shit happens. That’s life.  I still act in ways I don’t like sometimes, probably because of things that happened in the past. 

Maybe that’s why I need to talk to someone.  Maybe they do know how it works.  Or maybe it’s just a waste of money that I don’t have. 

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