“I thought you said that the police took your guns.”
Martialla winked at me outrageously “They took all the ones they knew about.” She held up her hand cannon by her face like she was going to kiss it “Desert Eagle point five O.” She seemed to be expecting some kind of response so I nodded ‘sure, great’ nod and she frowned slightly “Snatch?”
I half-laughed “Excuse me?”
She smiled “You don’t watch a lot of movies do you?”
I shook my head “I mostly only watch old musicals. And Pitch Perfect, I love that one. Have you seen Pitch Perfect?”
She shook her head back at me while she put her giant gun down and fiddled with some straps on her bullet-proof vest. She told me it’s not actually a bulletproof vest because “they don’t have guns where we’re going”, it’s actually a vest made of synthetic fiber with a very high tensile strength designed to protect against knives and broken bottles, which is apparently very different from a bulletproof vest. She talked about why the two kinds work differently but I admit that I wasn’t paying much attention. She did say that it worked “pretty well” against spears but that she had doubts about how it work would against a sword.
“A pick will obviously go right through it” she said while lacing up her SWAT-looking boots.
“Obviously” I nodded. “So what you’re telling me is that we’re going to go on this roller coaster and at some point were going to be transported to another dimension where you’re going to need body armor and a gun bigger than my head because of what?”
“Orcs.”
“Orcs?”
“Orcs.”
I gestured like I was literally trying to pull words out of her “Can you expand on that a little more? Orcs?”
She ripped some kind of tape with her teeth and taped something “Orcs, like , uh you know, orcs. World of Warcraft? Lord of the Rings? JRR Tolkien?” I shook my head “You might like to read Lord of the Rings, they stop and sing songs like every other page in those books. They’re just orcs. Like big scary guys with tusks and green sallow skin and halitosis.”
I nodded “Right, and you see these green men in the other dimension? Do you see one right now?”
She smiled through her teeth at me “I know you think I’m crazy, why wouldn’t you, you’ll see soon enough.”
I folded my arms “I’m sure I will. So you’re saying that you go to this other dimension and shoot these orcs and they have gold coins which you then take and bring back here to our dimension.”
“Well” she said a mite defensively “I don’t kill them for the gold, they attack me, it’s self-defense. And there’s no reason to let good gold just right around is there? The problem is I haven’t really figured out what to do with the coins. Did you ever watch that show Pawn Stars? That show made it seem like you could just walk into a pawn shop and trade gold for its cash value. I haven’t found anything like that. Not around here anyway. I’m afraid to try and sell them online because I don’t know if that’s legal. Maybe we can ask your lawyer how to unload this gold.”
“I’m sure he’d be thrilled to talk about this.”
“You’ll see” she said with a twinkle in her eyes “you’ll see. We’re just about squared away here boss, you ready to have your mind blown?” She hit a button on the console and “Love Rollercoaster” started playing over the sound system attached to the Dragon’s Breath.
I crossed my arms “That’s a little on the nose don’t you think?
She hit the button again and Steppewolf “Magic Carpet Ride” started playing instead “This is the only other song it plays, which will you have?”
