Ela pscraps – Psaltery Psalm of the Pseudoscorpion

Scorpulator.  I hate that guy.  I’ve told him to fuck off a million times and he keeps harassing me.  This part of being a superhero that no one talks about.  If a scorpion themed asshole is all up in your business there’s no one to call about it.  You have a secret identity so no one will fuck you with in your civilian life but it cuts both ways.  It’s like how drug dealers can’t call the cops when someone rips them off.  You have to take care of your own shit. 

Not to mention the fact that as a female superhero if you need help because some lame-ass D-lister is after you to have his scorpion babies then you lose all respect, which is hard to come up in the first place.  Can you imagine if Supergirl called the cops on the Riddler because he was flopping out his Riddler-dick at her?  She’d be a laughingstock.  Save the world, sure, whatever, but everyone is laughing at her behind her back. 

I managed to ditch him but he always shows up when I’m on my way to a meeting with the Four For Justice (I hate that name too).  How does he know? 

When I walked into our abandoned warehouse of justice Item Girl asked me where the Fly was and before I could say anything Stickman Batman-growled that the Fly not part of the team so he can’t be in our super-secret club house.  That guy takes this shit way too serious.  He reads too many comic books.  Amethyst Athlete told me once that he can’t get an erection unless he’s wearing his mask.  Fucking weirdo. 

Most people think that Stickman is so called because he beats people with sticks, which he does do that also, but his name actually comes from the fact he gets his powers from a giant stick bug like me with that god damn pseudoscorpion that’s busted all the springs in my couch.  I’m pretty sure there’s some connection between us but he won’t talk to me about it because when he told me that I made a joke about a stick bug taking all day to slowly make its way to another tree where it thought there was a lady stick bug but he ended up humping an actual stick.  Guy has zero sense of humor. 

I told them about my encounter with Adamantine ,the scrap of paper that I think has some kind of spell one it, and my theory that some magic shit was about to happen.  I said that it was probably the Fallen trying to open a portal to hell again.  I don’t know why magic people want to open a portal to hell so badly.  Didn’t they see Hellraiser?  If you want to do freaky BDSM sex shit there’s like fifty clubs in the city you can go to.  You don’t need to bring about the apocalypse to get off.  That’s the problem with magic guys, they never think about the big picture.

After Stickman finished listing off all the magic people that existed in the world and we should consider suspects and spending fifteen minutes admonishing me for not capturing Adamantine and getting the information who she was working for I asked Operator is she could start monitoring the Fallen’s communications.

“No” she said, obviously bored “he doesn’t us a mobile phone.”

I don’t know why she even bothers to show up to these meetings .  You know that dazed blitzed our look people get when they’re scrolling on their phones killing time?  Operator looks like that all the time.  Always. 

Operator would be a potent tool for crimefighting if everyone didn’t know about her.  She can listen in on wireless signals (and wired ones too if she jams the wire into herself but that never comes up).  Which should be really useful but since everyone knows that she can do that all the villains do like on the Wire and never talk about anything important unless they’re face to face.  She’s the most useless member of a team that includes Item Girl.  I wish the Fly was on the squad because he actually has useful powers but Stickman rants about the charter and voting every time I bring it up. 

The meeting, as most of them do, went nowhere and when things finally broke up Item Girl and I ended up getting a slice together like we usually do.  She may be largely useless when it comes to super-stuff but she’s still probably my best friend.  I don’t have a lot of friends. 

“I am so sick of this” I sighed.

“You may have mentioned that a time or two before” she smiled indulgently “you just need to get laid.”

I shook my head wearily “That’s your solution to everything.”

She shrugged in a ‘yeah I know” kind of way “I think Stickman is really losing it.  He’s been worse than usual the last few time we’ve met.  I’m worried about him.”

“You fucking should be” I snorted “I think those bug-chemicals are rotting his brain.  And he was unstable to begin with.”

She raised an eyebrow “Do you think the same thing is going to happen to you?  Because of your scorpion thing?  It’s basically the same you have as him right?”

“Well now I do! Jesus!” I exclaimed in alarm “Also, pseudoscorpion” I murmured. 

“Right, of course” she nodded “pseudoscorpion.”

Before I could say whatever I was going to say next Big Sal came over and started clearing off the table.  When I protested that I was still eating what he was grabbing at he leaned in and stage-whispered to me that the guy that just came and was standing at the counter is one of Adamantine’s boys. 

“Thanks Sal” Item Girl said as he bustled away innocently “you want to grab him up?”

“Ugh, I just want to go home and go to sleep, I have a shift in two hours!” I sighed and stuffed the last of my slice in my face “I guess we better.”

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