I live next to a 1995 American erotic thriller film written by Joe Eszterhas

The Five carry all their music stuff in a van.  Pretty normal.  They also have a bunch of guns and bulletproof vests in there.  And grenades.  I think I saw a bazooka in there.  They could tell I was surprised. 

When Annie Mae saw me being surprised by their armory she asked “What we do is dangerous Grace, what did you think we would have?”

What did I think? 

I tried to tell them that we didn’t need all heavy artillery because it’s just Dale but that didn’t mean anything to them.  Adelaide had his fucking assault rifle too.  Where does he hide that thing? Must be his version of pulling a rabbit out of a hat.  I should learn that trick from him.

Besides me Huddie was the only one without a gun and he had a spell on his lips ready to turn Dale into a pile of ash.  I had a bad flashback to Bernal and Goldenboy and Killer Keller all flashing their guns and wanting to go action movie bullshit.

I don’t know a lot about trailer parks but Summit Meadows looks like a nicer one to me.  I told the armed mob to stay fucking cool while I knocked on the door to Dale’s unit.  He didn’t answer until I yelled that I knew he was in there and I wasn’t going away.

When he did come to the door he was balls to the wind wearing nothing other than a woman’s robe, unless guys robes are fancier than I think.  He had a fucking sword in his hands like this was a samurai movie.

“What, what Grace, what!  What the fuck more to do you want to do me now?  Burn down my house?”

“Jesus dude, cover your cock.”

The door on the next trailer over opened and a Domenick Lombardozzi lizard-face looking mother fucker was standing there in the doorway with a baseball bat ready to rock, asking Dale if everything was okay. 

“It’s fine Jade, go back inside.”

I normally don’t get hung up on names but that was too much “That guy is named Jade?” 

“You want some pot brownies Dale?” Jade shouted back.

“Go inside Jade!” Dale screamed like an abusive husband.

After that fantastic start to the conversation we all piled into Dale’s trailer and I tried to tell him what I had in mind while Barney asked him if that was a signed Otis Redding ‘Apollo Saturday Night’ London Record 64 Mono Vinyl he had hanging on his wall. 

After I told him the plan Dale asked “Why the fuck would I want to help you?” was his very good question.

“Look” said Rusty holding his hands up in a conciliatory fashion “I think we’ll all feel better about this if we get Jade over here and have some of those brownies.”

Leave a Reply