Ela scrap – Weaponcat

(It was about a year ago that I went from many websites to one. For a while after I did that WP was spamming me hard about buying the domain weaponcat. So I wrote this, which isn’t even really a scrap of an idea. But it’s something.)

I wouldn’t say that I slammed the concept art down on the conference table, I’m sure a couple of them will say that I did slam it down when they tell their stupid wives about the “crazy ballbusting bitch” they have to deal with at work, but it was more of a throw, just for emphasis. 

One thing I’ve learned is that when you’re dealing with men, which is always, you have to wave your arms around a lot or in some other way get their attention.  They’re trained from birth to filter out female voices as background noise like locusts on a hot summer day or the rattling of a loose heater duct.  I have a wonderful voice for karaoke and singing in church (not that I go to church anymore) but it falls smack dab in the sweet spot for male ignore-ance.  I have to move around a lot to get them to focus on me.  I mean focus what I’m saying, not on the parts of me they want to squeeze or flick or fondle or smack.

“This is not what I asked for.”

The art guy, who isn’t so bad really, he was just doing what some other asshole told him to do flinched in his seat “We just thought that Weaponcat should be more extreme.  What you described seemed a little . . . ahem.  Silly.”

I resisted the urge to pinch the bridge of nose, you can’t show any weakness in front of these fuckers “First of all this isn’t the nineties, you can’t just throw the word extreme in front of something and sit back and count the money.  Second of all, we as a group already agreed to my design last meeting.  And third of all, you all still seem to be missing the point!  The whole idea is that Weaponcat still acts like a cat!  He’s lazy and never wants to fight crime or save the day or do anything but sleep.” I flicked my hand dismissively at the offending sketches “This is a cat Rambo for Christssake!”

What I wanted to do is ask him who told him to change the design.  It could have been any of them.  But I’ve learned not to do that.  When one of these gasbag booger blasters goes behind your back to fuck with you if you make a big deal out of it you’re playing right into their hands.  Then they can tell everyone how you “freaked out” in a meeting because women are emotional wrecks who can’t be professional.  “Can’t live with the, can’t decapitate them and keep their bodies alive with machines to have sex with, har har, cough cough, wheeze.”

Elmer cleared his throat, like he does every god dam time before he says anything, adjusted his position in his chair so his big fat belly would lead the way like he does every damn time before he says anything, and smoothed out his too skinny tie like he does every god damn time before he says anything.  Then cleared his throat again and rubbed his thinning hair.

“We felt that this would make it funnier.”

I locked eyes with him “I won’t.  This is a trick.  With this you make the audience think that it’s going to be serious and then they feel stupid when it’s a joke.  You don’t make money making the audience feel dumb.  You make money by beating them in the face with the premise and then doing exactly what they expect.” 

Nelson rubbed his nose and sniffed before holding up finger to wag “While we’re on the subject” he said completely changing the subject “I wanted to bring up something about this OG Claymore character.  I did some research last night” bullshit, you made an intern do it, probably while standing too close to her “and this OJ Readmore character that you’re satirizing hasn’t been on TV since the 80s.  Kids aren’t going to know who he is to get the reference.”

“Plus” Gustav chimed in as he always does adding on to something someone else said being constitutionally incapable of saying anything on his own “my son told me that OG means original gangster, it’s something to do with gangs.”

I bite back a sigh “How many times do I have to say this, Weaponcat is not a show for kids, it’s a show for middle aged Gen Xers who grew up on shit like OG Readmore.  Who also happen to be the kind of immature Peter Pan asshole who will think it’s funny for a cat character to be called OG, as in original gangster.”

Elmer frowned like he hadn’t heard this fifty times before “How can this show not be for kids?  It’s a cartoon?”

Nelson did another nose tug for good luck “Plus are the kids going to know what claymore is?  It’s some kind of mine right?  Land mines are not a reference that we want to make on a kids show.”

“I thought it was a kind of sword” Steve piped up from his hidden position behind Elmer’s eclipsing belly.

“Look people” Stover stood up and put his hands down on the table “what we need to talk about is merchandising.”

“What we need to talk about is a mobile app for Weapon Kaz” tossed in Steve.

I slumped back in my chair “Cat.”

“What?” Steve whined.

“Weaponcat, you said Weapon Kaz.”

Greg looked like he was going to throw up, but he always looks like that “Weaponcat?  I thought this was a show about a ninja named Kaz.  How is a cat going to hold a ninja sword?”

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