Now everyone knows what you are

One time there was this decade called the Nineties.  No one agrees on exactly when this decade took place but it happened about thirty years ago.  Give or take. 

During the 90s everyone was wearing slip dresses, bomber jackets, scrunchies, and flannel shirts while DJ Jazzying their Jeffs.  I myself had no hair so I put my scrunchies around my arms like the Ultimate Warrior.  No one would see them under my bomber jacket and flannel shirt combo, but they were there and that’s what mattered. 

Besides clothing another thing that happened during the Nineties is that Al Gore invented the internet.  The internet came on these disks in the mail and what those disks did was turn your phone line into a bunch of static and made your dad mad when he trying to call the movie theater to see what time Last of Mohicans was playing and all he heard was BEEEEEEEEEEBOOOOOOOOOOOGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Wrestling news and wrestling chat was big on this internet.  BIG.  Probably because you could do it anonymously and not admit to real people in the real world that you still liked wrestling after all your friend stopped watching so they could try to get laid like their heroes in all the sex comedies, which were in style at the time.  

I can’t explain what the internet was like then because I am not a good writer or explainer but it was different.  There’s a show called Pen15 that I had to stop watching because it was too much for me but there was an episode that perfectly encapsulated how the internet worked in the Nineties.  Watch that and you’ll know.  The internet in the 90s was like flying was in the 50s.  You got dressed up to login.  It was a big deal.

The wrestling corner of the internet was such a BIG deal that there were these things called e-feds.  What were e-feds?  It’s hard to say really.  It was like fantasy football with creative writing and social media and fan fiction and role-playing all mashed together into one glorious and sad community.  Competitively.  It was very of the Nineties. 

Here’s how it would work.  A guy would start an e-fed.  Some were using real wrestlers, fantasy booking you might say, some were with original wrestlers people made up, and some were with a mix of both.  DMX was an inexplicably popular character on many e-feds even though he’s not a wrestler or has anything to do with wrestling that I know of.  So was Brittany Spears but that’s less mysterious as to the reason why.

People would join with their characters and then matches would be set and cards and storylines and everything like a real wrestling federation.  Only E-lectric.  And then you’d competitively creative write at each other.  The idea was that whoever was the better writer their character would win the match.  In reality whoever was friends with the guy that started it would win.  If no one in the match was friends with the guy then whoever wrote more would win usually, or it was just random.  Because who the hell was going to read all that crap?  And even if you did how would you judge it?

Then everyone who lost their match would get on the OOC board and cry about it.  Some would take the tack of “I have a JOB, I’m an ADULT I don’t have TIME to post as much as the guy who beat me”.  Others would accuse the guy that ran it of just picking his friends to win, which he did do.  Still others would scream GAY at everyone and say how they were going to start their OWN e-fed and it’s going to be way better.  Good times. 

Being a wrestling man and a writerly man I was in several e-feds.  Also I was in college and I knew no one, nor did I want to really, so I had plenty of time.  Not only as a participant but I usually I was the one writing the shows as well because who the hell would want to do that?  I think I was pretty good at it, which is a strange statement to make because I don’t think anyone really read them, they just checked to see if their character won.

A few people did at least read their character’s matches because I remember one guy being super pissed because even though this guy won he thought he looked weak against a female character.  I was a real pioneer of intergender wrestling equality in the fake world of the internet.  Does that make me a feminist hero?  Who’s to say?

Anyway, this is all to say that lately I’ve been wondering if it’s even possible to write a wrestling match “story” that normal people would find interesting or readable.  It’s kind of a tricky task (that I was GREAT at) because there’s at least three ways you can approach it.  Just describe the action, imply the action by relating the commentors commentary, or try to do both.  Or probably a bunch of other ways. Oh, also it’s tricky because who would want to read it anyway? 

Maybe I’ll try sometime with you fine people.  Maybe not.  There’s a writing prompt for you, see if you can write an interesting story of a wrestling match. 

New topic alert!

There this game called Dungeons and Dragons.  You’ve probably never heard of it.  What with Satan involved and all.  Like making sweet sweet love D&D is pretty fun once you figure out what you like. 

One thing I don’t like about D&D is any effect that makes you lose your action.  I get why stuff like that is in the game, you need a variety of attack “things” to make the monster seem different and dangerous, but the problem for me is that combat is always kind of a drag even at the best of times.  Waiting 15 minutes for your turn is bad enough but piling on being Stunned for three turns on top of that?  That dog won’t hunt. 

And my least favorite kind of lose your turn effect is FEAR.  Sitting out an entire 45-minute combat sucks anyway, and if you’re a MACHO MANLY MAN like me the fact that your character is just cowering on the ground makes it suck even more.  I’m willing to make some exceptions for non D&D horror type games.  SOME. 

One idea I’ve had forever but never found a use for is a D&D merc who’s reputed to be a coward so all they ever get is suicide squad type jobs.  Then the characters see that in combat this person is actually a kill-crazy lunatic and they’re all like ‘huuuuuuh?’ and it turns out that in their first battle someone cast a fear spell on them and made them run away so everyone said they’re a yellow bellied coward which makes them recklessly brave because they want to prove that they’re not a coward.  Which they never can because first impressions. 

 It’s barely even an idea but it’s something.  Maybe.