(Rectifying a terrible oversight, somehow the finale of my AG screenplay didn’t make the migration. I’m sure people have been freaking out. In mildly related news I’m going to mount an attempt to update the site to make it easier for anyone crazy enough to want to try and read old stories. Sometime.)
CUT TO:
INT. MAIN TEMPLE – DAY
The main temple is much the same as Lust’s shrine only bigger and more elaborate with even more outrageous scenes of debauchery and torture on the walls featuring Sevensworth. The sexy lady goons are holding Grace on her knees before Universe/Sevensworthand his two accomplices PRIESTESS, think Danai Gurira, and TOWER, think Aya Cash. There are some others in ceremonial garb as well.
AMAZING GRACE
So what’s the spell? Opening a portal to hell? If you’re going to be killing millions of people it must be something big.
UNIVERSE/SEVENSWORTH
Why would I want to open a portal to hell?
AMAZING GRACE
I honestly don’t know, but that’s what people like you are always trying to do.
UNIVERSE/SEVENSWORTH
There are no people like me.
AMAZING GRACE
Groan. Did that come right out of the evil wizard playbook? This whole thing has been paint by numbers you basic bitch. Please for the love of God tell me that you’re going to kill everyone in LA for something good. Are you going to open up the portals to the Martian pyramids? That at least would be helpful to NASA. We could get some of those rovers back too, those things cost a fortune. Plus I hear they’re lonely up there. Have you heard about that one that sings itself happy birthday?
UNIVERSE/SEVENSWORTH
There are pyramids on Mars?
AMAZING GRACE
Why don’t you just tell me what your evil plan is so I don’t have to guess.
UNIVERSE/SEVENSWORTH
Gladly. I know you’ll appreciate this. Once the preparations are complete and the bombs are triggered I will harness that energy of those deaths to enact the Conbulum Mectrotitium and expand my natural life span by 150 years.
AMAZING GRACE
(shocked)
That’s it? You’re not going to become a god or something? You don’t need to kill twelve million people for that! I took out a blood mage once that could do that with just six people! You are seriously wasting a lot of lives dude.
PRIESTESS
You killed him?
AMAZING GRACE
Yeah, the spell doesn’t make you invincible, you can still be killed, it just keeps you from aging.
UNIVERSE/SEVENSWORTH
(annoyed)
Silence! Don’t, don’t listen to her, she’s just trying to confuse you and lead you away from our preordained mission. The bombs aren’t going to blow up the entire city anyway, you’d need a nuclear weapon for that.
TOWER
Or a lot more bombs.
UNIVERSE/SEVENSWORTH
Or a lot more conventional bombs. We’re only going to kill a couple thousand people, and that’s for immortality for five people. That’s efficient.
AMAZING GRACE
(stubborn)
The spell doesn’t make you immortal, all it does is . . .
UNIVERSE/SEVENSWORTH
(annoyed)
Do you know anything blood sacrifice? Because I don’t think that you do! There’s never been a blood mage that could pull of what I’m about to do with just six sacrifices, you don’t know what you’re talking about! The number of people we’re about to kill is totally appropriate for the spell we’re going to be enacting! The priests of the Aztec Empire . . .
AMAZING GRACE
Oh my fucking god, enough with the Aztecs! Please don’t tell me you’re one of those dark wizards who claims that the Aztec empire spread across all of North America conquering everyone and their power was based entirely on a system of blood magic sacrifice.
UNIVERSE/SEVENSWORTH
It was! Don’t act like I’m a flat earther or something, the archeological evidence is there!
AMAZING GRACE
I thought you were way into Crowley, not made up Aztec bullshit. What does an old British dude have to do with the Aztecs? Why not go full Hellboy and toss Rasputin in there too? That guy got a bad rap, all he wanted to do was smash puss and somehow people decided that he was an evil wizard. I guess he did smash a lot and he was a fuggo, maybe that warrants some questions.
UNIVERSE/SEVENSWORTH
Shut up about Rasputin! I think you’re failing to see what I’ve accomplished here. I’ve improved upon Master Crowley’s works.
AMAZING GRACE
(pan to show that her bullet wound has healed and her back is writhing with blue magical energy, Godzilla power-up style)
With cultural appropriation?
Before he can answer Grace uses magical super strength and hurls off the women holding her like Neo in the Matrix throwing the Agent Smith copies. Climactic magical fight scene. Grace summons several copies of herself to hold off the goons as she goes for Universe/Sevensworth. The other leader types intercede and she takes them out one by one, think Scarlet Witch against the Illuminati in Multiverse of Madness.
Priestess transforms into a massive snake in an homage to Conan. Make sure that’s not racist somehow, I don’t think it is but if that’s a problem have her turn into tiger instead. Grace is narrowly able to avoid the attacks of the massive serpent as her copies fight with the sexy lady goons in the background. Finally Grace is able to transform her hand into a butcher’s blade just like the man that attacked her outside of the occult shop and uses it to decapitate the snake, which then turns back into Priestess, dead.
Universe/Sevensworth working with Tower sends a column of water blasting into Grace’s face, drive itself into her mouth and nose like tentacles. She chokes for a moment and then expels the liquid like a water tower blowing up.
AMAZING GRACE
Your ninjas already tried to down me in your pool, use a new element already.
(rolls out of the way of a blast of flame like the breath of a dragon from Tower)
No one ever uses earth.
Grace dodges more dragon’s fire and then is attacked by the lead goon that shot her and Tower in melee combat, all of her copies are been shattered. Little pieces of those copies lay on the ground still “alive” like Mantis in Infinity War.
Grace struggles to contend with her two attackers as Universe/Sevensworth moves around on the edge of the fight trying to get an angle for a spell. The tide turns when Universe/Sevensworth unleashes his blast of flame but Tower shifts right into the path and is burned to death instantly.
The head sexy lady goon redoubles her attacks with a battlecry, driving Grace back, but Universe/Sevensworth summons a cloud of small daggers and hurls them at Grace’s back with a gesture. Grace takes control of them and send them into the head sexy lady goon, pincushion her. She stands there for a moment impaled by extreme prejudice.
LEAD GOON
You idiot!
UNIVERSE/SEVENSWORTH
How dare you speak to me that way!
Lead sexy goon topples to the ground dead, Grace smashes Universe/Sevensworth with a blindside kick by shadow jumping. No magic now, she pummels him with strikes as he tries vainly to protect himself. He’s clearly not a fighter.
UNIVERSE/SEVENSWORTH
(on the ground, bloody, throws hands up)
Stop! Stop this! Join me . . .
AMAZING GRACE
And together we can rule the galaxy? Is this the part where you talk about how because we’re magic we’re better than everyone else and their lives don’t matter as much as ours and we can do whatever we want? That we should join together and do evil magic shit together?
UNIVERSE/SEVENSWORTH
(desperate)
Our lives are more important than theirs! You have to know that! The things we can do, the powers we wield . . .
AMAZING GRACE
No sale guy with no nose from Harry Potter. Tell me where the bombs are or how I turn them off or whatever I need to do.
UNIVERSE/SEVENSWORTH
And you’ll let me live?
AMAZING GRACE
No.
Universe/Sevensworth licks his palm and starts chanting in Latin. Grace lightly touches him on the chest and it explodes outwards like in Alien, his heart flying into the air in an arc to slap down wetly on the floor. She spits on the corpse.
AMAZING GRACE
Look what you made me do! I hate that spell!
(she looks around at the blood and carnage)
I’m going to hate this even more
CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN IN SEVENWORTH’S MANTION – DAY
A pile of viscera sits on the counter. Grace is rummaging through the sleek rich-person refrigerator. She comes out with a couple bottles of fancy imported beer (product placement). She pops the top of one, drains half of it, and sets the bottles down by the bloody mess. Upon closer look there’s brain matter in the clump.
Grace takes a deep breath and then shoves a gob of the bloody viscera into her mouth. She fights for a moment not to gag, bracing herself against the counter. After a moment she starts to mumble a spell around the disgusting lump in her mouth. Blood spatters off her lips as she speaks with her mouth full.
Eventually the spits out the bloody gob with a coughing fit. She drains the last of the first beer and most of the second before spitting some more and another coughing fit. She turns on the water in the sink, sticks her mouth in the stream for a moment before pulling back and finishing the second beer and taking a big drink of the third. She spits again angrily.
AMAZING GRACE
Fucking fuckers!
(she blows her nose on a towel expelling some brain, takes another drink of beer, slips out her phone and dials)
Yeah, you need to get in touch with the bomb squad, I have the locations of four bombs that have been placed around the city. Yes, I have the exact locations, I can give them to you when you’re ready. I don’t know, they can be triggered remotely but I don’t know if there’s a timer involved. No, I’m not the one who put them there. No, I don’t know what demands the people that did put them there had. No, you can’t speak to them, they’re all dead. I mean, I think so anyway, maybe some of them got away but most of them are dead for sure. Yes, I can stay on the line. Yes, I have the exact locations. Yes. Yes. Uh huh. Me? I’m nobody, don’t worry about it.
(spits, looks around, softly to herself)
There must be a spare toothbrush in this place somewhere. No, sorry, I wasn’t talking to you. No, I don’t want to tell you where I am. Terrorists? I guess, what does it matter who they were now? I just know okay. Yes, I know this is very serious, I assure you this is not a prank of any kind. If you don’t find any bombs where I tell you feel free to try and find and arrest me. Yes. Uh huh. No. I mean, yeah, kinda.
CUT TO:
EXT. SUNNY BEACH – DAY
Grace and MMA Dude are sitting at a picnic table drinking some White Claw (or other product placement) and digging into various containers of take-out. Grace is wearing a classic lady jean-shorts and bikini top combo, showing that her legs and torso are covered with gnarly scars, livid bruises, and other blemishes – think Batman in Dark Knight.
MMA GUY
So you actually know how to do the Dim Mak?
AMAZING GRACE
(around a mouthful of food)
Yeah, I hate it.
MMA GUY
Huh. I thought that was just a cool name. Do you eat like this all the time? You must work out a ton.
AMAZING GRACE
(laughs)
Hell no, you know how many calories I burn casting spells all the time? I basically ran a quadruple marathon and then climbed Mount Everest and then went fifteen rounds whoever is big in boxing right now the past few days. I’ve almost died of exhaustion more than once, almost magicing myself to death. Anyway, like I was saying I’m no phys-ad but my friend 42561 is one of the best and she will be there and she’ll be able to help you through it.
MMA GUY
Why is her name a bunch of numbers?
AMAZING GRACE
Long story. Actually it’s not a long story at all, it’s just stupid. This just a bug hunt so you’ll be fine.
MMA GUY
It’s not dangerous?
AMAZING GRACE
Oh no, it’s incredibly dangerous, there’s a very good chance that you will be killed. I just mean that you’ll be fine, you know?
MMA GUY
I have absolutely no idea what you mean.
AMAZING GRACE
(answers her phone)
Hey Ranni. Yeah it’s all taken care of. I saved the entire city and probably the world yet again, hooray for me! Yeah. I know. I should have talked to that gold-digging widow about it. I bet she sent the money to Dash’s account and now Ela is going to get it and put it up her nose or use it to hire mercs to try and kill me.
(laugh)
Yeah. Yeah, I know.
(sigh)
I’m sure. I’m sorry Ranni, I don’t know how it works, if it’s genetic or what, no one knows really, but some people are magic and some aren’t. I can’t teach you to do what I do. I wish I would, I need all the help I can get, that’s just not how it works sadly. Yeah. Yeah. I know. It sucks. Good to meet you, keep in touch, all that. Yeah. Yeah. See you Ranni. Stay tight.
CUT TO:
INT. RANNI’S APARTMENT – DAY
Ranni is on her couch, a copy of the Necronomicon ex Mortis lays open before her. The shadowy ghost of ALEISTER CROWEY, think Jonjo O’Neill, lurks nearby.
Aleister Crowley’s ghost
(otherworldly)
She’s lying. With my method anyone can work magic.
RANNI
(thinks for a moment)
How do we begin?
FADE OUT:
“Season of the Witch” plays over end credits.
Rocket Cat 