Amazing Grace – Does Love Forgive?

Alright.  Look.  You don’t want to read about my sex life any more than I want to write about it.  It’s part of the story though so it would be weird not to say anything about it.  Let’s just get through this.

When I started dating Addie my only consensual sexual experience at the time had been a truck stop shower quickie with a dude I barely knew.  There was nothing romantic about it.  There was no feeling or connection involved.  To this day I can’t explain why I did it.  I had an impulse and I acted on it. 

It turned out actually to really good for me.  It was a decision that I made.  It was something that I wanted to do.  I don’t know if that sounds crazy but that experience somehow made me feel like sex was a thing that I could chose to make a part of my life.  That probably doesn’t make any sense but somehow that helped me come to terms. 

I would be a fool to start a relationship at all without expecting something to happen in the sexual arena.  I never would have gone down that path it if my attitude had been, I’ll just put up with sex because I want to be with someone.  That’s clearly not my agenda. 

My approach was to be open to the idea and see what happens.  Go into it with eyes open.  Maybe I would find out that it’s not for me.  It’s a part of so many people’s lives though that it didn’t make sense to shut myself off from trying. 

There was a part of me that felt safe making that decision with Addie because I thought that if he tried anything I didn’t like I could bash his face in.  That’s not healthy thinking.  But there were other parts of me that felt safe because I trusted him and because I felt safe with him, and you know I fucking LIKED him.  That’s a healthier frame of mind.  I should lean on those parts of myself more. 

There’s no need to get into details about anything, bottom line is that I was surprised to find that there are things I like.  I’m never going to be out at the bars trolling for action but there’s something there for me.  A couple years ago wouldn’t have thought that was possible. 

That’s all I have to say about that.

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