Alright. Look. You don’t want to read about my sex life any more than I want to write about it. It’s part of the story though so it would be weird not to say anything about it. Let’s just get through this.
When I started dating Addie my only consensual sexual experience at the time had been a truck stop shower quickie with a dude I barely knew. There was nothing romantic about it. There was no feeling or connection involved. To this day I can’t explain why I did it. I had an impulse and I acted on it.
It turned out actually to really good for me. It was a decision that I made. It was something that I wanted to do. I don’t know if that sounds crazy but that experience somehow made me feel like sex was a thing that I could chose to make a part of my life. That probably doesn’t make any sense but somehow that helped me come to terms.
I would be a fool to start a relationship at all without expecting something to happen in the sexual arena. I never would have gone down that path it if my attitude had been, I’ll just put up with sex because I want to be with someone. That’s clearly not my agenda.
My approach was to be open to the idea and see what happens. Go into it with eyes open. Maybe I would find out that it’s not for me. It’s a part of so many people’s lives though that it didn’t make sense to shut myself off from trying.
There was a part of me that felt safe making that decision with Addie because I thought that if he tried anything I didn’t like I could bash his face in. That’s not healthy thinking. But there were other parts of me that felt safe because I trusted him and because I felt safe with him, and you know I fucking LIKED him. That’s a healthier frame of mind. I should lean on those parts of myself more.
There’s no need to get into details about anything, bottom line is that I was surprised to find that there are things I like. I’m never going to be out at the bars trolling for action but there’s something there for me. A couple years ago wouldn’t have thought that was possible.
That’s all I have to say about that.