In vino whatever

I wonder which is more dangerous, driving drunk or working magic drunk.  I did both that night.  I’d like to swear to you that I’ll never do either again but before I did it I never thought I would do it so I can’t make that promise.  I didn’t run anyone over while I was driving.  I’m sure of that.  Did I accidentally give someone a heart attack in Ghana when I cast my spell?  Who fucking knows?

I also defaced a church.  That doesn’t bother me.  Not because I’m an anti-religion asshole but because it’s a building.  People outrank buildings every time.  Have I been to church soup kitchens?  Yeah.  Have I stood outside The Church of the Holy Family freezing my ass off resentfully wondering how many millions of dollars they spent on it?  Yeah.  

Kim-Kelly told us that back in the 80s kids were disappearing right and left so the local sheriff who was also the local cantar às almas santas did the logical thing and summoned the Coca, a monster that devours children but in this case was used for vigilante murder against the kidnapper.  Maybe.  The Coca definitely slaughtered someone like a hog and the kidnappings stopped after that, but who knows what really happened.  

The local priest considered this course of action by the sheriff cantar to be pagan bullshit and black magic and murder by supernatural means.  All of which are sins.  To put a stop to it the priest imported a holy rock from the old country and installed it at the church.  This protected the town from The Coca and robbed the sheriff of his powers.  

I barely started my finding spell and I knew there the rock was.  It was like a spotlight in the darkness.  Maybe because the rock is super magic.  Maybe it wasn’t like that at all because I was drunk at the time and I’m remembering it wrong.  

We drove over and ripped the holy rock out of the wall.  It was on the outside so we didn’t have to break in or anything.  I was surprised Ginger Rock didn’t squeal about stealing from the church.  He seems like the kind of hypocritical asshole who would pretend to be religious.  

Looking back on it now it’s terrifying how close we were to trying my idea right then after we got the holy rock.  I’m sure in our drunken attempt we would have all died at the very least.  Probably something else disastrous would have happened as well. 

In a night of stupid jackass behavior I’ll give myself a tiny bit of credit for realizing that was not a good idea and putting a stop to it.  Sorry Royale, I’ll try to do better in the future.    

Since there was going to be no grand magic ritual that night Kim-Kelly and Ginger Rock decided to have loud drunken sex with us still in the room.  Chuck gave me a look saying “Eh, how about it?” to which I said “Not on your fucking life” but in my head I considered it.   

I should give that a try one of these days.

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