The good thing about driving around in an Invincible truck is that there’s a chance, if they don’t look real close, that the Invincible won’t attack you thinking that you’re one of them. There’s a downside though, which is that other people that don’t like the Invincible, if they don’t look real close, might attack you thinking that you’re one of them. It’s like having a great rack (which I do) you’re going to attract a lot of attention, not just the attention that you want.
I’ve seen some shit cars here in the future. I’ve never actually been to a demolition derby but I dated a guy who’s uncle was always “building” derby cars and I submit to you that, excepting of course J-Lo and J-Lo Two the Revenge, even the last place car from a demolition derby in my time would be the equal to the best cars of today.
So that’s the context we’re dealing with then I say that the car that attacked me was the suckiest piece of suck that I’ve seen so far. The first time it rammed me (if you know what I mean) I didn’t even realize that’s what had happened. I thought the noise of them slamming into me (if you know what I mean) was a rock flying up and hitting the undercarriage (if you know what I mean). I didn’t realize that I was even under attack until a spear/arrow thing came into the cabin.
I was just up there singing away (I Love Rock’n’roll you’re wondering and I was NAILING it thank you very much) when something brushed past my forearm and suddenly there was a stick with a sharp piece of metal sticking out of my dash (if you know what I mean). I cranked my neck around, apocalypse trucks have no mirrors you see, and laid eyes on my attacker.
I almost laughed at the sight of it. It looked like one of those soapbox cars that kids make for Skunk Scouts or shop class of whatever the hell they make those things for. The driver was crammed in there like she was wearing it as a Halloween costume, as if at any time she could stand up and it would come with her around her waist like a belt so she could order a Bloody Mary at the bar.
And there were six or seven other people clinging to the damn thing! I imagine it looked very much like what a pack of rats clinging to a piece of debris after a ship sinks would look like. I’ve seen a lot of crazy shit here when it comes to people hanging on the side of vehicles, clinging on for dear life as some piece of shit mobile flies around (at speeds up to and exceeding THIRTY miles an hour) but this thing and these people took the cake.
One guy was standing up on the “back” (it really wasn’t big enough to have different parts) to throw the spear-arrows at me and two other people were clutching at his legs to keep him from flying off. It was like a human pyramid of sorts with a bare rocket engine at the bottom. These people were fucking nuts. Even by the standards of the day.
That peace of crap was faster than my truck though so I couldn’t get away. But their machine was so pitiful that they couldn’t to any damage, it was like a moth bashing its moth-brains out against a screen door. Driving the Invincible truck is like trying to maneuver a garbage scow but even so I was able to avoid letting them get right beside me for a spear-arrow throw to the head. I’m that good.
I could have crushed them like a monster truck smashing a toy car if I could have gotten a solid hit on them but I couldn’t, they were too evasive. It was a stalemate. Maybe it was a tiger by the tail situation but which one of us was the tiger?
You know that thing in action movies where the hero drives with one hand and shoots out the window or over his shoulder or some other bullshit with the other hand? That doesn’t work. Nevertheless I was considering it because I didn’t have many options. I was also wondering if I came to a stop and went all Wild Bill on them with my pistola one against seven what my odds were. I didn’t see that any of them had guns but talk about high risk. I should have paid more attention when I had a bit part on that miniseries about the Zulu wars. How many non-gun people does it take to overwhelm a gunman or woman?
The stalemate was broken before I could make a decision on that. I saw a road (I thought it was King Jerkface’s road at the time but I think I was on the wrong side of the river for that, maybe, I don’t know where I was really) and headed for it thinking that as the heavier vehicle more stable ground would help me more than it would them. No idea if that logic is correct.
However in doing so I came unnoticed on a field of old broken pavement. It reminded me of the road Martialla and I tried to walk on like day one of our tour of the apocalypse. Made my feet hurt just thinking about that. What it did more than that though is make me slide and skew and skid out of control. I’ll admit that I’ve gotten too used to driving the J-Lo twins and I probably whipped the wheel back just like you’re not supposed to do when that happens.
I ended up cantilevered over not a ridge so much as just a steep slope. I probably could have driven down it if I hadn’t been coming in sideways like a deer blundering and falling its way across a frozen pond before my dad shot it. Unless Martialla MacGygers them up (as she often does) these future vehicles in addition to having no mirrors have no safety restraints. In coming to a stop I had been thrown sideways and ended up wedged between the side door and the “seat”, which was basically just a hunk of wood, with my arm trapped behind me like I was in a hammerlock.
I tried to get my pistol with the other arm but I couldn’t reach it. I saw a face in the driver’s side window-hole and I threw my knife at it with a war whoop. I might be one sixteenth Choctaw so that’s not racist. This was a stupid attack for two reasons, one the knife was gone and I was probably going to need it in a minute, and two I was throwing with my left hand. Miraculously I did hit the face but it was so weak of a hit that the knife just caromed off and came back and almost took out my eye before it fell out the window-hole on my side.
A spear came in through the window, this one was long so there was no mistaking it for an arrow (if you know what I mean) hitting me across the jaw like a hard punch but somehow not ripping my face open. I grabbed it with my free hand (if you know what I mean) and while we were tug-of warring over the spear (I forget sometimes how weak these future people are, I was left handing it, I had no leverage and I’m a tiny weak girl and he couldn’t pull it away from me) someone kicked through the rusty back-whatever behind me and got my by the hair. They yanked my head back so hard I felt nine thousand muscles in my neck snapping.
In that moment I may have shouted something like “Fuck you you fucking fucks!”
Another face appeared upside-down right next to me, someone having clambered over the roof and was hanging off the edge like a sloth.
“Hey you’re not Invincible” they said in a piping Mickey Mouse voice a moment before I yanked the spear-tip into their melon.