Love & Plunder

Here’s the thing, Santo Marco is a tiny country.  And I mean tiny.  It’s the size of French Guiana or Suriname.  There are almost 500 cities in the world that are more populace than the entire county of Santo Marco.  There shouldn’t be that many mutants there.  Statistically there shouldn’t be any.  It’s a million to one and they don’t even have a million people there.  They must have a lot of heavy metals in their water supply that are messing people up because the numbers just don’t add up. 

I admit that my intelligence was a little out of date, which is the worst sin you can commit when it comes to this kind of operation.  I knew that bucket-head Magneto had taken the country over from some dude that wanted to kill all mutants and then old Magnus tried to blow the place up when the X-Men chased him away.  And I knew that after old man Maggie ran away to live on an asteroid a standard South American “send in the death squads” type strongman took over until War Machine flew in turned his head into a blood humidifier with a Gatling gun.   

And I knew that after the War Machine assassination a different guy that hated mutants took over and the US sent their super-soldier squad (not Cap and his buddies but the “bad” ones) to murder him and instead he captured them and dissected them to gain the knowledge to build his own super-soldiers but then the X-Men showed up and defeated the REALLY bad super-soldiers and then a mutant guy became president.   

Based on that the plan was simple, use social media and some local anti-mutant rabble-rousers to get the anti-mutant population riled up against their mutant president and against the mutant lovers Suncorp Properties, covertly take control of some key infrastructure points with the help of the Holodoin Cartel, and then I show up as a mutant hunter in my armored “anti-mutant” suit with my legion of anti-mutant robots, just like the Sentinels, who everyone loves, only smaller and cuter and then bing-bang-boom I’m in charge of my own country.   

What I didn’t know is that president mutant wasn’t one of those useless type ones like Dazzler or Jubliee.  In my defense there was no documentation of him using any powers so how was I to know how fucking powerful he was?  President mutant is actually the son of Namor and the Invisible Woman from another GOD DAMN alternate timeline.  I don’t know why people hate mutants other than people being hateful assholes in general but the reason everyone should hate mutants is because they’re always screwing up our timeline.   

Quit messing with time mutants!  Where the hell is the TVA every other week when one of the Summers kids from the future is coming back in time to assassinate Charles Xavier or stop him from being assassinated or stop someone from stopping him from being assassinated or trying clone Jean Grey for the 900th time so they can take the clone back to 1776 and have her assassinate George Washington.  Huh?  What are you on all that shit Miss Minutes?! 

Invisa-Namor comes from some alternative timeline that was destroyed by nuclear war because in that timeline mutants took over the US and the USSR had to blow them up because of the mutant gap.  Not the porn magazine, you know what I mean.  So Cable or one of the 39 other time traveling mutant assholes, who are also probably Cable from FURTHER in the future in another timeline, saved the mutants from that timeline and stuck them in some other timeline.  But Invisa-Namor slipped out of the time-net and came here instead.   

And this jackass inherited all the powers of both his parents.  People forget that Namor isn’t just an Atlantean, he’s an Atlantean mutant.  And I guess Sue Storm still has some cosmic rays bouncing around in her ovaries because she passed down all her abilities too.  So let’s run that down, forget about all the useless Aquaman shit, I was dealing with president Mutant having superhuman strength, speed, durability, agility, senses, and reflexes plus flight, and then on top of that he can turn invisible and create force constructs.  Are you fucking kidding me?  What is this Superman I have every power bullshit?  

I’m good but I’m not that good.  Actually I am that good, I could have handled him if I had known about it before hand, but I didn’t is the thing.  Another thing I didn’t know, not only was the mutant in chief an omega level whatever himself, but President Invisa-Namor had his timeline’s version of the Mutant Brotherhood stashed away to back him up!  My coup attempt was crushed, shall we say, comprehensively.   

The good news is that I was able to escape the Santo Macrosian prison before the beatings and rapings could get underway.   


I’ve heard that they call him the Winter Soldier because HYDRA or the Russian or whomever it was that was mind-controlling him kept him on ice when they didn’t need him to kill Iron Man’s parents.  It would have been nice when I was working for She Who Shall Not Be Named if they did something like that for me.  When she didn’t need me to do her dirty work I wasn’t happy and unconscious being brainwashed, I was awake and suffering through the side effects of whatever “treatments” she wanted to inject me with.   

I know that she wasn’t only trying to cure me, she was using me as test subject for whatever other drugs and chemicals she wanted to mix up, but what could I do about it?  She was my only hope.  Sometimes when I was so sick that I wanted to die I wondered if she was even trying to help me at all or if she only utilizing me as a guinea pig.   

God help me, in those days there were times that I wished Tony Stark was still alive.  He could have cracked this thing in a few weeks.  He didn’t help people like me so he wouldn’t have unless I kidnapped his girlfriend and injected her with Tempo and Extremeis too to force him to come up with a cure to save someone he loved, dude didn’t give a shit about helping society, but I think I could have pulled that off.   

Every few months when I was well enough to fight she sent me out with her team of science experiment minions to do supervillainy.  We stole some of Mysterio’s holo-drones from the SJS, we grabbed a radioactive ping-pong ball from a magician, like a stage magician not a Dr. Strange guy, and we attacked a solar power plant because of a force field or something.  Half the time I was too out of my mind to know why we were doing the mission.   

Most of the time though what she had us do is we tried to capture her daughter.  I’ve never seen that in real life.  In movies sure, but this was real.  The daughter wanted to kill my boss and I don’t think the boss wanted her captured so they could have a heart to heart and become a family again.  I guess there’s going to be a lot of problems in a relationship when you clone Steve Rogers and have a baby with it because you want to raise a kid as a lab experiment in being evil.   

We never got her, or we did sometimes technically but she’d always escape.  Maybe it would have been different if I was functioning the way I was before I got messed up on Tempo but maybe not.  She’s a pistol that one.  She has a real talent for making friends and she’s smart as a whip.  She reminded me a little bit of Helen.  

I’m pretty sure She Who Shall Not Be Named Junior is hiding out in Madripoor so if momma AIM really wants to get her hands on her daughter all she’d have to do is give the Nightwitch some Nuke pills to pick her up because nobody is going to slip through the Nightwitch’s fingers in Madripoor.   

That’s really neither here nor there.  Eventually I started feeling better.  She really was trying to cure me turns out because eventually treatments were working.  Problem was the better I felt the more dangerous jobs she wanted me to do.  When she sent us to assault an alien compound in Pakistan I knew it was time to dip.  I wasn’t fully cured, still aren’t, but I was as cured I was going to get before she got me killed.   

Malligator and I ditched out on that suicide attack and headed to lay low in Congotanga for a bit.  Good dude that Malligator. 

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