Love & Plunder – 12

There’s an old saying that the best way to fuck with someone is to give them what they want.  Stealing a helicarrier was an experience.  Owning a helicarrier turned out to be a pain in the ass.  I had a deal worked out with the Prince of Madripoor to berth the thing, but I wasn’t willing to shell out the additional millions it would have cost for his “don’t mess with these people” Madripoorian Prince Seal of Criminal Approval Protection Plan.  That meant we couldn’t go ten days without someone trying to steal the damn thing from us.   

Red Warrior stuck around for a while but Magnum Master and Jammer headed back to the states as soon as they has the chance.  Monster Machine on the other hand flew out to join us because Madripoor is a great place to build yourself a new super-suit, lot of loose tech around.  Because I am the best super-boss ever I let Jammer and both MMs keep the suits we stole even though per our agreement all I owed them was their $10,000 Barrel Brigade payment.  I offered to cut Jack in as well but he said that he was finally cleansed of his curse and could return to his own time.   

There’s no supervillain social media to tell everyone about what we did but the people that needed to know knew what we had pulled off.  We were the toast of our bizarre little community for a while.   

I was making enough money using the helicarrier air-dropping villains into whatever schemes they had going on that I could have paid enough mercs to keep the it safe from the constant attacks and still turned a profit but I didn’t steal the thing to end up as a super taxi service.  The thrill was in stealing it and that was over.  After I heard the Shadow Lords were going to make a move on it I sold it to the Nightwitch for $80 million.   

There’s no good way to price a helicarrier on the black market but I bet that’s a fraction of what it’s actually worth.  As we all learned from the Parable of the 10 Virgins life isn’t about money, it’s about doing whatever you want and to hell with the consequences.   

Even if we had fought off all the other criminals in Madripoor eventually SHIELD would have gone crying to the Avengers or the New Avengers or the Baby Avengers or the Super Duper Avengers or the Extreme Avengers sponsored by Flaming Hot Cheetos and that would have been the end of it anyway.  A beautiful thing is never meant to last.

Nothing wrong with sitting on 80 million and working on your tan in Madripoor.  It’s quite a nice place to be as long as you’re filthy stinking rich.   


I hadn’t thought about what was going to happen after the helicarrier heist.  I was so focused/nervous about the job itself that I never gave much thought to what might come next.  Although in fairness I never think about the future much anyway.  Helen was all over it though.  She had a deal worked out with the Prince of Madripoor!  She’s got connections like you can’t believe.  If there’s royalty in crime she’s at least a Duchess.   

Those months we spent in Madripoor together were the best of my life.  Once a week we’d have a super-brawl with some punks trying to steal Helen’s helicarrier.  Monster Machine painted a massive mural of her on the side of it, I was only a little pissed about how accurate it was in depicting her nude body.  The four of us would kick ass and then we’d hit the beach and the bars and the bars on the beach and the beaches near the bars and have a great time.   

Helen and I stayed in the nicest hotels, every night we would go to the nicest restaurants in Downtown, every morning we’d eat fresh fish in Lowtown, and made love almost every night.  Maybe not “made love” made love but it was more than just a hookup for sure.  We fought together fiercely by day and loved together even more fiercely by night.  I would give anything to be able to do back to that time.   

Sure, I would have liked it a little better if Helen wasn’t so keen on doing it at clothing optional beaches surrounded by people but other than that it was my version of paradise.   

The problem was that I knew it wasn’t going to last.  Three weeks in and I could tell that Helen was getting restless already.  I did everything I could think of to try and get her to stay there, to extend that time long as possible.  Which was nothing because coming up with ideas isn’t really my thing.  She’s the thinker, I’m just the beast of burden.  Sitcoms would have us believe that’s what works, but it isn’t so.  Helen is so smart, how could she be satisfied with someone like me?   

I never wanted anymore more than to stay there forever with Helen, busting heads during the day and being together at night.  Not even when I was a kid and I had my medical issues did I want to be well more than I wanted to stay there with Helen like that.  But I knew that it was impossible.  I’m a man of simple pleasures.  Helen is not that kind.  I knew it wouldn’t last.   

I’m just glad that it lasted as long as it did.  I cherish that time.

I always will. 

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