I heard a rich man in a nice suit say that no one is less sympathetic towards poor people than other poor people. I guess he was right because I did not want to let Huck and Larry come with me. Not one little bit. I did because I didn’t want to feel like a bitch. But I didn’t like it.
After all the police reports and the cars being towed and this and that, freezing our asses off on that bridge for hours, I ended up at the Quality Inn. Some people would say that name is a joke, but shabby is a quality.
When I say that I ended up there, I mean that I went there because that’s where Randy and his crew were staying. Stalking you might call it. I was actually in the very next room from them. I could hear Ruth over there flipping her wig because they’re supposed to be at the at the Destiny Funnybone tomorrow night in Syracuse, not to mention the Hah-Ha Hut in Rochester the next night, and the Buffalo Comedy Collective in Amherst.
Not for nothing but I’m staring down the barrel of missing out on a cool $50 working Youngstown but you don’t see me freaking out about it do you?
I continued my stalking and followed Randy and Robin to Pete’s Cayuga Bar where he ran into the men’s room as soon as he saw me come in. I followed but he locked himself in a stall and all he would say is that he needed his pills and to talk to his shrink. How can a shitty road comic afford a therapist?
I resorted to sitting and drinking with Robin until she left to hook up with some dude. Randy never did come back out of the bathroom. I told her what I knew about the insect spirits and the thing where somehow and old stand-up comedian is their archenemy and how they’re highly motivated to accomplish their goal of human extinction.
She was dressed normal but she was holding a martini glass so she made me feel poor as she said in her most judgmental tone “Uh-huh, and you’re the only person who can stop these monsters?”
“I sure hope not” I said.
“You know this sounds insane” she said taking a dainty sip of something blue.
“You were there, you saw it” I made a plaintive pleading gesture that I didn’t like.
“I don’t know what I saw” she claimed.
She said that Randy was just worried because the next couple shows were crucial to something for them. I told them I’d drive them to these crucial shows if they couldn’t figure anything else out, but I needed to talk to him. When she asked me how I was going to do that I told them I’d just buy another car.
“What are you rich?” she asked with a raised brow.
I laughed so hard I almost pissed myself. I guarantee you neither of them has ever said anything that funny on stage.
