Enough talk! Kill something!!!

Riddle me this, since she grabbed me like a pirate grabbing a wench on the cover of a trashy romance novel and flew me UP to the roof, how did she expect me to get DOWN the hole she jumped in?  Her last words before she jumped were “stay close” so obviously she didn’t intend for me to stay there right?   

I’ve learned that people have this thing in their brain where they associate physically attractive characteristics with athleticism but it’s not always true at all.  Once at choir camp there were all these boys there as part of a modeling program and they tried to play basketball one afternoon.  It was a nightmare.  I eventually went and took the ball away from them before someone hurt themselves.  

I am very VERY attractive so I can see how someone would think that I’m a Simone Biles level athlete based on appearance alone, but the truth is I’m only moderately athletic for a 30ish woman who doesn’t actively participate in any sports.  I can ride a horse and I’m an okay swimmer and I can throw a baseball and I’m a pretty good golfer.  None of that necessarily means I can leap through a mystery roof-hole without ripping every muscle in my leg off the bone. 

What I could and did do is find a ladder on the other side of the building and climb down to another door.   There wasn’t anyone inside waiting to shoot me as soon as I came through, which was nice.  The room was so brightly lit that it was almost painful, like there were spotlights all around on the walls pointed inwards at us. 

The Seinfeld looking dude was on the ground with a meathook sticking out his neck.  Also there was blood.  Lots of blood.  Another guy was face-down on the floor in a lump with his ass in the air like a porn lady.  There was a bunch of blood coming out of his face but I think he was alive.  She was wrestling with two other guys that must have been brothers to face-ass, they looked a lot alike, each of them tall and lanky.   They looked a little like Dirk Nowitzki with shorter hair. 

Nowitzki #2 was trying to get her in a hold of some kind while she and Nowitzki #3 were locked arm in arm spinning around while she repeatedly kicked and kneed him.  If she was strong enough to rip open a heavy security door how was he still alive?  Shouldn’t one kick have broken his spine in half like a cartoon?   

I was trying to figure out how to help her, and working up the courage to do something if we’re being honest, when our eyes locked and she shouted “Shoot them god damn it!” 

I could tell from her expression that “them” wasn’t the guys she was fighting, it was someone else.  I figured out who THEM was pretty quickly.  Lurking in what shadows there were to lurk in, under the sides of beef and split-open pigs, were creatures.  They were hard to make out exactly but they looked kind of like baboon-dogs made out of smoke with the skulls of dogs for heads.  They coincidentally looked a lot like the monsters on anti-smoking billboard ads around town.   

They were afraid of the blazing light, but they were also very eager to get some murdering in.  They were shifting around and kind of false-starting and edging back and forth like kids who are waiting to be dismissed from school on the last day before spring break.  I didn’t know what they could do to us since they didn’t have lower jaws in their dogskull heads and their bodies looked soft like they wouldn’t have claws or anything but I didn’t want to find out.  I fired the super Jesus gun and the little silver spark zipped through the air blew them away like a fan parting smoke.   

They made no noise as they died or disappeared or whatever they did, which kind of freaked me out.  I guess I like my monsters to die with an unearthly scream or a hideous groan.  That got rid of some of them but there were plenty more so I aimed again.  I’m not sure there was any need, the spark jumped around like it was drawn to them.  Before I could fire a second shot though a bald albino dude came out of nowhere and grabbed it away from me.   

He dropped it immediately because his hands literally caught on fire where he touched it.  He hissed at me like a crocodile and flicked a tongue at me that was a lot like the one Duke groped me with only it was still tongue-colored which made it worse.  As I jumped away, I did not want that thing to touch me, I noticed that he had no ears nor nose.  Not anymore, it looked like they had just fallen off and left raggedy scabby holes behind.   

He rushed at me with his hands out like a prom night virgin going for some aggressive tit grabbing and I kicked the Jesus gun up at him.  She shied away with another animal hiss and I managed to grab it and pull the trigger.  This time a massive sheet of silver flame spewed forth.  Not like a flame thrower, just a big cone of fire.  It gave off no heat that I could detect.  It was only there for a split second and when it was done all that was left was a mound of black powder and the clothes baldy was wearing.   

“Whoa” I was heard to remark.   

I looked for more creatures but they seemed to be gone.  Someone tapped me on the shoulder and I whirled around and bashed my new friend in the face with the gun.  She didn’t seem to mind.   

“Sorry” I winced at her. 

“I didn’t kill him.” 


She pointed at meathook Seinfeld “I didn’t kill that guy, the other guy swung at me with the heathook and I just ducked out of the way and he hit that guy instead.  I didn’t kill him.  I don’t kill people.  Human people I mean.” 

I wasn’t sure why she cared “Okay.  What were those things?” 

She glanced around “Shadow beasts.  The guy you fried was a ghoul.  That’s what you turn into if a vampire bites you and you don’t die from it.” 

“You don’t turn into another vampire?” 

She waved her hand “Nah, that’s a whole other thing.” 

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