Amazing Grace – A Pale Horse

CUT TO: 

INT. RANNI’S KITCHEN– NIGHT 

Ranni’s kitchen is large but looks unused.  Grace is pawing through the fancy smart refrigerator while Ranni sits at the island looking confused and shaken. 

AMAZING GRACE 

(ducking back out out a Chinese food container in hand) 

Can I have this?  I’m starving. 

(Ranni nods and Grace starts eating cold noodles with her fingers) 

RANNI 

I have forks. And a microwave.

AMAZING GRACE 

My hands are clean. 

RANNI  

(incredulous) 

You were just wrestling with two men in a filthy alley. 

AMAZING GRACE 

Grappling.  I was grappling with them not wrestling.  Wrestling is something different entirely.  Trust me on that, I know.  Also striking, there was striking as well.  You want to tell me what’s going on now?  Since I saved your life and everything I feel like maybe you owe me that much.

RANNI 

Are you going to tell me what’s going on? 

AMAZING GRACE 

(shrugs) 

I told you, I’m magic. What else is there to say?  I’m like a superhero, I save the world all the time from magic shit.  One time an old worm god was going to turn everyone into zombies.  Another time a giant ape with two heads was going to do . . . something.  I never figured that one out exactly.  But I stopped them.  I’m like that guy in the movies.  Sherlock Holmes. 

RANNI 

Sherlock Holmes doesn’t do magic! 

AMAZING GRACE 

(waving with a fistful of floppy noodles) 

But you know, that guy in the superhero movies.  The pasty dork with the stupid accent all the women love.  Albert Cummerbund.  Ricky Bandersnatch. 

RANNI 

Benedict Cumberbatch? 

AMAZING GRACE 

(looking around) 

Sure, whatever, that guy with the hypnotic eyebrows.  I’m like him.  Or that dumb kid from the books.  Or that other guy.  Where’s your trashcan? 

RANNI 

You ate that whole thing already? 

AMAZING GRACE 

(annoyed) 

I told you I missed lunch.  It wasn’t even full.  

(tosses the container in the sink) 

Look are you going to tell me what you were meeting with Dash for or do I have to ask you eighteen billion more times? 

RANNI

Was Dash magic?

AMAZING GRACE

Nah, he was just a PI that I ran into once when we were both working on the same thing.  This woman thought that her husband was cheating on her, which technically he was I guess since he was humping a harpy, but it wasn’t his fault.  I’m not proud of it but I did laugh hard when I saw the look on his face.  I broke the mind control the harpy had going over him right in the middle you know?  Can you imagine the face a guy would make if he ‘wakes up’ and finds himself balls deep in a harpy?  The situation wasn’t funny but I had to laugh in that moment you know?  Anyway, that’s when I met Dash.  We’ve been friends ever since.  Until someone hacked him to bits anyway.

RANNI

You’re serious aren’t you?

AMAZING GRACE

(groaning)

Yes!  Look, you already saw me do a bunch of magic shit right?  I can do some more if you want more proof but seriously can we just get on with it?  I really hate this part.  Magic is real, just you know, accept it and crack on?

RANNI 

(after a pause)

I installed a computer system at an occult shop.  That’s what Dash was interested in.  I had no idea he was looking for a missing person, he got in touch with me to ask about the shop.  This was serious equipment I was installing, a ton more compute power than a little shop selling fake magic crap would ever need.  That’s why he was so interested.  He wanted all the details I had on that.

AMAZING GRACE

Did you tell him?

RANNI

Yeah, there’s no confidentiality in the stolen computer parts installation world.  So wait, if magic is real is the stuff they sell at those occult shops real? 

AMAZING GRACE 

Some of them sell real magic stuff, depends on the shop, probably not though.  What was the meeting tonight supposed to be about? 

RANNI 

I had already given him all the information about the system, there wasn’t much else to talk about.  This thing tonight was more of a social call. 

AMAZING GRACE 

I get that, Dash was a good-looking cat before someone ripped his face off. 

RANNI 

(sliding off her stool) 

I need to take a shower, I got all grimy in that alley. 

(sexily)

Care to join me? 

AMAZING GRACE 

Do you have any crackers or cake or anything?  I’m starving over here.  I missed lunch.

CUT TO: 

INT. RHYME AND RAVEN OCCULT BOOKSTORE – DAY 

The store is so crammed with “magic” trinkets and knick-knacks that there’s barely room for customers to move down the aisles.  Under the large glass counter are skulls and bizarre mummified creatures and old books.  Behind the counter stands SHARON JACKSON.  Think Emily Ratajkowski.  Grace walks up to the counter from deeper inside the store. 

SHARON 

(confused)

I’m sorry, I didn’t see you.  Where did you come from?

AMAZING GRACE

The spirit world.

SHARON

Really?

AMAZING GRACE

No.

SHARON

(sourly)

Is there something I can help you with? 

AMAZING GRACE 

People just never seem to see me coming, must have one of those faces you know?  Anyway, I’m looking for a love potion, do you have anything like that?  There’s this guy at the Subway by my house.  Sploosh, you know what I’m saying?  Anyway, I’ve been hanging around there getting soda refills and put the vibe out there but he’s not picking up what I’m putting down for it so I was hoping to get a little help from old lady magic.

SHARON

(smiles slightly)

Well love potions don’t exist exactly, it would be kind of creepy if they did wouldn’t it?  The implications with love potions being real are not very pleasant.  Nothing here is magic either, not in the way people think about such thing, what’s true is that that crystals promote the flow of good energy for physical and emotional benefits, they help rid your body and mind of negative energy.  Crystals are matter that holds energy, and since we as humans being are also made of energy, we can exchange that energy with the crystal.

AMAZING GRACE

That certainly sounds scientific and true.

SHARON

(nodding)

It’s been proven many times, Eastern cultures have known about the power of crystals for centuries.  I can’t give you a love potion but I can definitely help you with your Subway guy.  You can’t use crystals to affect the energy of other people but what you can do is use them to present the best version of yourself to this man, and well then if he doesn’t respond to that then you don’t need him right?

AMAZING GRACE

Amen sister, there’s a Quiznos just up the street, who knows where love and salted cured meats might be found!

SHARON

Eh, right, what I’m going to recommend for you is some ruby and rose quartz, when applied properly these crystals can help prompt feelings of inner strength and growth that support your own sense of sexuality and sensuality.  The key to relationships revolves around trust and harmony, and with these crystals you can bring self-awareness and recognition of that truth to yourself to encourage love, respect, trust, and self-worth, as well as restoring lost vitality and energy levels.

AMAZING GRACE

That all sounds great, I’m chronically low on vitality I find, but did you say ruby?  Isn’t that a jewel or a gem?  How much does something like that cost?

SHARON

Well it depends . . .

AMAZING GRACE

Can you print out a price sheet for me to look at?  I’d like to know just how much love and sexual energy I can afford you know?

SHARON

No, we don’t have a computer here but I can . . .

AMAZING GRACE

Really?  I happened to be riding my bike by here the other day I thought I saw a woman with a very flattering haircut here installing some routers or servers or something.  Wasn’t there a big van out front with a horse airbrushed on the side? 

SHARON 

(coldly)

What is this in regards to? 

AMAZING GRACE 

(takes a piece of paper out of her pocket with BADGE written on it)

It’s relating to an investigation ma’am. 

SHARON 

That’s the worse illusion I’ve ever seen.

AMAZING GRACE 

(raises an eyebrow)

It usually works fine, all your crystal energy must be interfering with my mojo.  I’m not a cop but I am a private investigator. Some of the equipment that was installed here may be stolen and I need to examine it, serial numbers and so forth.  Do you have an invoice from the installer?

SHARON 

I don’t believe you, and even if I thought you were a PI I wouldn’t have to tell you anything. 

AMAZING GRACE 

It’s just some wires and shit right?  What’s the harm in telling me?” 

SHARON 

Is that the best you can do? 

AMAZING GRACE 

Pretty much yeah, I’m trying to work on my social skills, I have an app on my phone to learn empathy and everything. 

Sharon grabs a .45 automatic out from under the counter.  Grace holds out her hand in a “stop” motion and makes a pinching gesture with the other and the gun falls apart in Sharon’s hand, the bullets rattle on the floor like hail on a tin roof.  Before Grace can make another move a second woman blindsides her and the two of them slam into the glass counter.  

AMAZING GRACE 

(she turns the tables on the woman and pins her against the counter) 

Jesus, where the fuck did you come from?! 

Grace has to let the second woman go as Sharon lunges at her with a bejeweled dagger across the glass counter.  Quick fight scene with magical flourishes.  Sharon is able to make the bullets fire themselves off the floor.  Grace dodges them and catches the last one in a glowing green hand, redirecting the energy of the bullet into a massive punch that knocks the second woman out.   

Sharon seems to have Grace on the ropes with knife-thrusts and flashes of magic fire until Grace slams into her with a shoulder throw and then captures her in a jointlock.  Sharon calls on her magic to sprout spines like a cactus and Grace lets go with a curse.   

As they come back to their feet Sharon hurls the dagger and guides it magically but Grace reflects it back at her with her own magic instinctively.  The dagger buries itself in Sharon’s belly and she staggers to the front of the store.  Grace catches her and pulls the dagger out. 

AMAZING GRACE 

Oh no, no you don’t. 

Grace starts to heal Sharon like she did in the alley with Ranni, but Sharon clenches her fists and starts muttering.  Grace smacks her in the face.  

AMAZING GRACE 

Hey!  Stop that!  No! 

Grace’s blue healing energy is disbursed and she jumps away from Sharon as her knife wound starts to leak not blood but fire.  Grace watches in horror as Sharon jams her hands into her wound and pulls her stomach open like a couch cushion.  The liquid leaking out catches on fire in the air. 

SHARON 

The four horsemen will ride!  You will die!  Nothing can stop it! 

Grace rubs her hands together like she’s trying to warm them up and then holds one palm-out, spraying fire extinguisher foam on Sharon as she self-immolates.  Check out that (fake) video of a flamethrower versus a super fire extinguisher – it’s like that.  The flames can’t be denied.  Sharon is quickly reduced to nothing more than some blackened bits of bone. 

AMAZING GRACE 

Well.  Shit.