(I thought it would be fun to write an in-universe screenplay for my other blog where a guy writes a story about the main character that is not representative of her personality, attitude, or magical abilities in any way. It was fun. Since I’m not doing anything here right now I thought I’d post it serialized for whatever enjoyment it may bring.
(Trigger/content warning – kinda gross)
FADE IN:
INT. BROKE TO YOLKED MMA, BISHOP CALIFORNIA – DAY
The gym is wrecked. The bodies of defeated MMA dudes lay all around on the floor. AMAZING GRACE stands amidst the carnage choking out one of the last men standing. Think Mackenzie Davis in Terminator or Betty Gilpin in the Hunt. Maybe even Gwendoline Christie. Someone splitting the difference would be ideal. Grace throws the man she choked out to the ground and the last last man standing is there to confront her. Think Danny McBride or Walton Goggins.
MMA DUDE
We are the Heirs of Dim Mak!
AMAZING GRACE
Yeah, I’ve heard that like fifty times already.
The MMA dude goes into a precise martial arts kata, magic energy starts to dance across his body as he sways and moves. Grace steps forwards and knocks him on his ass with a straight headbutt. She holds out her hand and a discarded funky martial arts sword flies smoothly into her palm. She pokes MMA Dude in the inner tight with it and he scoots away desperately, hitting the wall as bloody spews from the wound.
AMAZING GRACE
Hey Siri.
SIRI
(voice from pocket)
Uh huh?
AMAZING GRACE
Set a reminder to start working the phrase “Don’t bring your dick to a machete fight” in conversation whenever possible.
SIRI
Okay
MMA DUDE
How did you do that?!
AMAZING GRACE
(confused)
Do you not have a smart phone? (she glances at the weapon on her hand) Oh, you mean this? Magic. But you know that you were just doing . . . oh, I see, how am I so damn good at it? (steps forward and presses the blade against his crotch) I don’t know how advanced you are in your training so this may come as a surprise to you, but all the theatrics? You don’t need them. They help, but you don’t need them. All the chanting and the hand movements and the singing and candles and shit, or in your case karate disco breakdancing, those things are like putting up the bumpers when you’re bowling.
Magic is like masturbation karateman. When you’re going to jerk off you dial up the Redtube or Pornhub or the camera you hid in your underage neighbors daughter’s room and you lube up your fleshlight and get your butt plug ready and your noose and everything and all that helps you get the job done. It makes things much easier. But you don’t need all that right? You could do the whole thing just with your mind. Crazy right?
When I was in the army there was a dude in my unit that could get hard and pop off without even touching himself, just by thinking about it. People would come from all over to watch him do it. The army is a weird place . Anyway I’m like that dude, only with magic. I cast spells most of the time because I like to make things easier for myself just as much as the next person, but in a pinch, shit happens just because I want it to. Fuckboy physical adepts like yourself probably shouldn’t mess with someone like that should they? You didn’t know though so I can’t hold that against you. What I can and will do is stab your dick off if you don’t tell me where it is.
MMA DUDE
Where what is?
AMAZING GRACE
(sigh theatrically)
Come on karate man, don’t be like that. We were having a nice friendly death battle here, don’t make things turn ugly with lies. I don’t want to neuter you but I will. Oh sure, when I was new to magic I went through a dick ripper phase. I was working through some stuff from my childhood. You know, you find a serial rapist, rip his dick off, and you feel good for a while. You feel like you’ve done something for the world. But I’ve outgrown that, you can’t go around being angry and dick ripping all your life right?
(stabs in other thigh with a bright arc of blood)
But here we are karateman, so tell me where it is right now.
(MMA dude points shakily to a staircase, Grace gestures with the weapon)
Thank you, lead the way.
MMD Dude walks nervously up the stairs with Grace at his back. They enter a small spare office with an old battered desk. Grace points with her weapon.
AMAZING GRACE
Stand in the corner.
MMA Dude moves to the corner as Grace sits behind the desk and starts looking through it.
MAA DUDE
(peeking over his shoulder)
What exactly is it anyway?
AMAZING GRACE
(she stops looking and puts the blade down on the desk)
There’s a place in Germany called Wurzburg, or at least there was in the 17th century, maybe it’s gone now. A girl lived in Wurzburg named Gobel Babelin and according to record she was a total knockout karateman. They put that on Wikipedia. She had all the stuff guys liked back in the 17th century, weird swan necks and pointy foreheads, who the hell knows what they were into. Because she was so pretty the Mayor of Wurzburg or whatever they had at the time wanted that pussy real bad. Real bad.
But Gobel Babelin wouldn’t give it up to him because that was when God was a big deal and He didn’t want anyone to have sex. Plus that was back before lady orgasms had been invented so what was in it for her anyway? As you probably know guys don’t like it when women won’t give up the puss. So the Mayor did the only reasonable thing he could do given the situation. He went to his priest and said that Gobel Babelin was a witch and she had enspelled him.
At that time God hated witches even more than He hated people having sex. So the Inquisition, which was a real thing as it turns out, grabbed Gobel Babelin. The Inquisition tortured the fuck out of her to see if she was a witch. They tortured her real good. She never said she was a witch though because probably she wasn’t and she knew God was watching. They cut her head off anyway just to be sure. I can only assume at that point the mayor got want he wanted with her headless body.
After they burned that headless body a passerby found an iron nail that she had in her pocket. I don’t know if you know this karateman but sometimes when someone experiences enough trauma and despair and horrible shit and then dies all that evil black magic mojo they release can turn something on them into a magic artifact. Crazy right? And that’s what happened to that nail. Somewhere along the line someone melted the nail down and turned it into a little blob, it’s supposed to be art I guess. It was safe in France for a long time with some magic people there but they’re all dead now and it was sold to a rich guy right here in the US. Then your master stole it. Now I’m here.
MAA DUDE
Oh.
AMAZING GRACE
Yeah, oh. Not much else to say is there? Magic is fucked up sometimes.
(she opens a drawer and pulls out a dull grey metal blob)
And here we go.
MMA DUDE
What are you going to do with it?
AMAZING GRACE
Destroy it.
MMA DUDE
But you said it has power.
AMAZING GRACE
Oh yes, a shit load of power. If your master had used this instead of sticking it in a drawer he could have knocked my tits off when I walked in the door instead of getting his ass kicked. Maybe he didn’t know how to use it. Or maybe he realized that it’s evil and didn’t use it on purpose, that would be nice if that was true. I don’t know what he’s been teaching you karateman but this is what you do with magic abilities. Destroy evil things like this. Ripping off drug dealers or whatever you chuckleheads are doing, that’s shenanigans. You have fucking magic! You have magic. You’re a superhero! You should be Batman, not a douche.
MMA DUDE
Batman doesn’t have any powers.
AMAZING GRACE
Yes, that’s the point I was driving at, thanks for paying attention. Get the fuck out of here.
MMA Dude scurries off. Grace takes a deep breath, closes her eyes and holds the blob in her fist out in front of her. She murmurs softly under her breath and after a moment there’s a bright flash of purple light. She opens her hand and the iron has been reduced to just a few flakes. Across the room a woman appears dressed in old German peasant clothing – think Milana Vayntrub or Carly Foulkes.
GHOST
Wo bin ich?
AMAZING GRACE
Sorry, I don’t speak German.
The ghost fades away quickly, think Thanos dusting people in Infinity War
OPEN CREDITS
During the credits “I Enjoy Being a Girl” from Flower Drum Song (or a new cover?) plays over a montage of Grace in violent fights like the beginning of Deadpool 2. Mostly physical stuff but with a few magical flourishes. She dishes it out but this shows her taking a lot of punishment too.
Glorious! You should write for Netflix!