The voice sounded familiar but I didn’t believe my ears until I saw him. It was none other than celebrity bodyguard/private eye/bounty hunter Lance Blade. He’s a blowhard douchebag but a competent investigator. Or maybe he’s not that competent, but he does have lot of fancy tech shit he bought from one of those spy stores. Maybe that makes him a competent investigator.
Last time I saw him, he was dressed like a generic goon from a Jason Statham movie. Now he’s dressed more like a normal local idiot. Bernal brought up his 357 at the same time Lance and I both exclaimed “What are you doing here?!”
If I hadn’t been there, I’m sure Lance and Bernal would have shot each other to death in an action movie style macho stand-off rather than speaking to each other. I don’t like being the voice of reason. I explained what we were doing and Lance told us that he was undercover. Why? He’s been hired to infiltrate the East Texas Asshole Coalition to re-un-kidnap a rich guy’s daughter who ran away to live with her racist boyfriend at one of their compounds.
Lance’s mission is time sensitive because the ATF is going to raid that compound “soon” and the rich guy doesn’t want his daughter getting shot in the spine during the inevitable shoot out.
I asked what Lance was doing in the secret magic hole instead of the compound if that was his mission. He said that he was the “officer on watch” and we had tripped an alarm when I moved the statue. He admitted that he’s having trouble getting access to the compound. Turns out that a secret group of anti-government domestic terrorists are paranoid about new members. Who would have guessed?
Lance didn’t want to let us steal the gun because he thought at first it would make him look bad. I came up with what I think is a pretty good plan. We bust Lance up and take the gun. Then Lance uses his investigation skills to “find” the varmints who stole it. He gets the militia all riled up to go get it back and the location he sends them to is an ATF trap. Simultaneously we go to the hopefully undefended compound and rescue-kidnap the girl.
I never thought that my wrestling knowledge would help in the real world, but I know a lot of ways to make someone look like they got stomped without hurting them much. Lance looked like a real mess when we left, but he was fine. I hope he’s a good actor.