Last night, to get ready for meeting a real witch hunter, I watched Hansel & Gretel Witch Hunters VS. Van Helsing: Dawn of the Hunters. Jeremy Renner’s character is now played by Aaron Eckhart. This makes no sense because if you’re going to do a multi-movie franchise thing, you should recast younger not older. Dude looks rough. No offense.
I didn’t learn anything useful that I could apply to my life. There was a scene at the end where Kate Beckinsale’s character is revealed to be the same person from the Underworld movies. I guess they’re smashing all the witch hunter stories together. It’s those damn superhero movies, they ruined everything. Now all stories have to be a “universe”.
When that was over, a different kind of movie started up. Whenever a woman is showering on screen, she’s doing a piss-poor job of it. Even if you have big old honking titties, it doesn’t take THAT long to wash them. And why do they close their eyes? Look at what you’re doing. This is not my first post about showering but it is the sexiest one.
Kimberly’s (that’s Killer Kelly’s real name, I don’t want to keep having to say she’s the other Killer Kelly) stepbrother didn’t look like Jeremy Renner or Aaron Eckhart or Hugh Jackman, and not just because he’s Mexican-Native American. Native Mexican? Mexico is part of the Americas?
He doesn’t look like a rough and tumble witch-fighter, he looks more like a massage therapist. He did ride a motorcycle, which is pretty witch-huntery. He and Kim talked a lot in Spanish. I thought that was rude but I didn’t say anything.
Once they decided to include me in the conversation, I asked what the plan was and the witch hunter said he was going to get his shotgun and kill the man who killed his step-sister’s half-sister. When I said that didn’t seem like the kind of thing that required special witch-hunter expertise, he said “He’s not a witch.”
As Bernal (that’s the stepbrother) tells it, witches are conduits for the power of otherworldly beings, they can’t do any magic on their own. They make pacts to get their power, unlike people like him (and me) who “earn” it through study and sacrifice. He was pretty smug about that. He was less smug when I told him I already knew that. And that in my experience, witches seem to be okay people.
I asked him how he goes around killing witches without going to prison. He didn’t really answer me. I think he’s full of shit and this witch hunter shtick is like those people on talk shows that say they’re vampires.
When Ginger Rock showed up, the discussion quickly turned to the best way to go about murdering the ghosts of the confederacy. I said that we couldn’t just go around killing people. GR and Bernal said at the same time “why not?”
You have to cast them when they’re 24 these days, tops. TOPS.
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