Parts Unknown

Every few months Longhorn Wrestling has a big show in the teeming metropolis of Abilene.  Feuds are blown off, new rivalries are stated, titles change hands, friends become bitter enemies, north Texas wrestlers who hang drywall during the week become gods, all in front of as many as 600 people.  I shouldn’t make fun, that’s a good crowd.

Last night the Abilene Convention Center was the host to the wildest match I’ve ever been a part of.  Instead of the usual fanservice Hooter’s waitresses we usually lose to, 42561 and I faced Eugenia Fernandez and Cori Ridgeback – aka The Nightmare Violence Connection.  These broads are out of their minds.

I can’t say why, maybe it was the purple tiger-striped pants Eugenia was wearing, or the sunglasses, or big curly hair, or maybe it was just the way they acted but they seemed like an old tag team from the 80s.  They reminded me of Stan Hanson and Bruiser Brodie in Japan.  Only women.  And in Abilene Texas instead of Japan.

They didn’t even talk to us before the match.  When they came down to the ring to Mariah Carey’s “Dream Lover” that was the first time we clapped eyes on them.  42561 and I looked at each other like “what is this bullshit?”  After shoving a fan and almost getting into a fight in the aisle they charged the ring, beat up the referee, and then started swinging chairs at us.  

I can’t say that it felt like fighting for my life because I’ve done that for real.  But it didn’t feel like a wrestling match.  I’m not sure if it was a cooperative shoot or an uncooperative work.  At one point I was squared off with Eugenia in the crowd and she ate some popcorn out of someone’s bucket and when he said something about it she spat it back in his face and then hit me with a superkick without even looking. 

It was really something. 

I’m not sure anyone even won the match.  Eventually we were just backstage.  Cori was drinking a 40 and Eugenia was on the phone screaming at someone about child support.  Sometimes you run into an old dude that likes to just hang around the locker room naked but I’ve never seen a woman do that before.  Cori was tits out, bare ass on a fucking cold metal folding chair.  She had a towel but it was around her shoulders like that was doing anything.

Misinterpreting my dismay she looked over at Eugenia and then winked at me “Don’t worry about her, she’s fine.”  And then followed that up with “You guys like to get high?”

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