When I was working at Phoenix Powerslam Pro, I went on a road trip with 42561. I didn’t blog about it. I can’t say why. It didn’t feel right. The short story is that in Needles, California, people were turning into bug monsters. I guess I know why I didn’t blog about it, it sounds insane.
Did you ever see that movie where the kids go on spring break and they fuck a bunch of people without condoms and then they grow spines out their backs and turn into freaks and kill everyone? The bug people I saw looked kind of like the kids in that movie.
42561 and I had a fight with the bug people. We rescued a dude they were going to either eat or turn into another bug person and then the police came and arrested them. I should probably look into what happened after that. If an entire prison had turned into bug people, I think it would have been in the news.
I bring this up because of Christie Lane, which sounds like a porn lady name to me but is actually a dude that does stand-up comedy and also is a serial killer.
I was ready for a fight. He was lying helpless on the floor of his hotel bathroom ready for nothing. It threw me off. For a while I didn’t do anything. I just stood there and listened to him moaning raggedly. Eventually I dragged him out of the bathroom and bound his hands as best I could with a sheet. I should get some handcuffs. Nothing weird about carrying handcuffs around right?
I used Stella’s healing spell on him and it was enough to get him talking. After several minutes of “who are you?” “well who are you!?” “no you tell me first” he told me about the bug people. He was shocked that I was already aware of them. He was even more shocked that I had encountered them and was still alive.
According to Christie, there are these things. He called them spirits. Not like ghosts, but things that don’t have physical form. If we can see them, we perceive them as looking like insects — not real insects, but monsters with chitons and mandibles and shit. That’s not what they really look like because they don’t really look like anything. He says they look like bugs to us because our minds make things look like stuff even when they don’t look like anything. A lot of what he said made no sense to me.
According to Christie, these bug spirits want to have flesh and live in our world. They want it like a meth addict wants meth. A lot. They like feeling things. They like feeling things like a meth addict like meth. So what they do to get their fix is they appear in people’s dreams and offer them magic knowledge. He doesn’t know why they only do that with some people and not everyone. Maybe you have to have a spark of magic in you to begin with. They offer you a deal. You get magic and in return you use that magic to put the bug spirits in more people and turn them into bug monsters.
According to Christie, the catch is that the more you do magic, the more the bugs take over your body. If you get enough bug magic people together, they can do a spell that will bring a “queen” into our world and that queen bug monster spawns out more of them endlessly, and then apparently that’s the end of humanity. The good news is that the bug spirits all hate each other so they don’t work together – each spirit is just working its own game with its own “offspring”.
Christie claims that he finds people with the bugs in them and sucks out the bug juice, which is why he was hacking up bloody tumors and shit. It’s very bad for you. But it saves those people from being bug monsters. And therefore saves the world, according to him.
This ties into the serial killing because he’s a blood mage. He doesn’t have the ju-ju to make with the bug sucking magic on his own, so he needs to murder waitresses to power up before he goes after a bug infestation. He does that by “noclipping” them because he thought it would be the most humane way to do it.
He says he doesn’t like it, but his view point is that a few women’s lives are a small price to pay for saving literally everyone from the bugs. I told him literally everyone would include the women he was killing. He didn’t get it.
I told him I couldn’t let him keep doing this. He asked me if I was going to kill him. He seemed okay with the idea.