Dave and Jimmy – Vampire Hunters

I was somewhere in Nebraska when I saw online that the kid I was going to see in Parma is in prison for aggravated assault.  Not because of the video I saw, which could be fake, but because he stabbed one of his classmates with a sharpened pool cue “stake”.   

I should have looked for that before I set out on the trip because it wasn’t hard to find.  A kid stabbing another kid because he says he’s a vampire is the kind of shit the internet exists to barf out.  I decided to keep going anyway because I also found one of that kid’s friends who insisted that he shouldn’t be in prison because vampires are real.  Figured I’d talk to him, what else do I have to do? 

If you had asked me, I would have guessed that the first apartment of a 19-year-old would be messy, but I had no idea.  If you’re a lazy ass, I can see throwing clothes on the floor of your bedroom, but why would you have clothes on the floor of the living room?  Or the fucking kitchen?  And why in the kitchen would there be a melted polyester blanket in a George Foreman grill?  And why would you throw garbage under the table instead of in a garbage can? 

I was so busy cataloging all the disgusting things going on that I wasn’t really paying attention as the kid babbled at me about vampires.  We retired to a diner with ugly green booths where I could concentrate better and he could inhale a stack of pancakes that looked a foot tall. 

He swore up and down that the video was real.  He was adamant that he and his friend David had killed a vampire.  He admitted the other guy that David had stabbed was a “mistake”.  They thought this guy from their HS class was a vampire too, but it turned out he was “just” a rapist who was using his delivery job to drug women.   

The tale goes that this began when he and David were hanging out in the parking lot of Secret’s Gentlemen’s Club smoking weed because every now and then when the door opens you can see “something”. With the free availability of porn, I wonder why you’d bother with that.  While they were sitting there, instead of a very quick glance of side boob they saw a woman being attacked in the parking lot of the dollar store across the street.   

Messy apartment boy said that he and Dave chased the attacker off, and in the melee they saw that the guy had “vampire teeth”.  Which may seem like decent evidence but then again look at Kirsten Dunst.  He then spent 20 minutes complaining about how the woman they saved wouldn’t have sex with them even though they had just rescued her.  Not even “mouth stuff” which as he said “doesn’t even count”.  He said she wouldn’t even show them her tits.  The nerve. 

He and Dave spent the next several weeks driving around town looking for the vampire guy and eventually spotted him crawling through a hole in the crumbling foundation of an old building.  They readied their sharpened table legs and staked the place out.  No pun intended.  If you drive by the spot, you can see the dozens of beer cans they threw out the window of their car while doing so.  I did.

When they saw the “vampire” come out of his hole, they bum rushed him.  He “vamped out” again and they stabbed him with stakes “a bunch of times” before they hit the heart.  He went limp, they threw him in the trunk, and the next day they shot the video that I saw.   

I asked him where the vampire came from but he didn’t understand.  I said that vampires come from other vampires like an STD, if the lore has any truth.  He said that he didn’t have any idea.  He didn’t know who the guy was.  And since the sunlight burned him to ash, there’s not much chance of getting an identification now. 

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