Ranking the Disney Princesses

As a hardcore Gen Xer I do my best not to care about anything and be a nihilist because caring about things is lamerz noob but my super great wrestling/magic is not read by anyone anymore and it makes me sad.  And of course when I’m sad I think about the Disney Princesses.  Did you know there are only 12 of then OFFICIALLY?  I didn’t.

1 – Ariel, obviously

2 – Rapunzel, I took my niece to see Tangled and I enjoyed it.  I mean the third act was a mess but what movies don’t have third act problems these days amiright?  The first 2/3rds of so many movies are good and then the ending sucks.  Endings are hard.  That’s probably why I just keep going on with the stories I write forever until I just get tired of them and there is no ending.  That’s probably also why everyone stops reading them.  Who wants a story with no end?  Lost reference here.

3 – Mulan, animated version of course since the live action one RUINED EVERYTHING.  If we’re being honest, and I feel like we are, I’ve never seen Mulan but I understand that she disguises herself as a fella and goes on a murder karate rampage, which is pretty hardcore for a Disney Princess. 

4 – Merida, I have also not seen Brave but I saw the trailer and it looked like her dad turned into a bear maybe and then she got a bow and shot everyone?  Hmm, am purely ranking the Disney Princesses based on violence?  No, because Ariel never hurt anyone.  Her land boyfriend is the one that ship-stabbed Ursula just like they did to the voodoo shark in Jaws 4.  Is there a connection?  Ursula is full of magic, I bet she could turn herself into a massive great white shark to menace the Brody family.  But why?  To the scriptorium!  Remember that SNL sketch were little Anna Kendrick was Ariel?  Wonderful.

5 – Moana, I also never saw Moana, but I think in the trailer she bonked a shark with a canoe paddle?  And as we’ve established I’m mostly going based on violence.  The Rock is in that movie, well his voice.  He was a terrible wrestler and I never enjoyed his “I’m a huge asshole” shtick like everyone else but sometimes he’s in okay movies.

6 – Tiana, the Princess and the Frog was on in the other room once when I was playing D&D so I got the gist of it.  I’m pretty sure there was an alligator playing a trumpet which is neat. 

7 – Belle, I give her some credit because she’s kind of in the vein of the early princesses who don’t do shit but she did do something – she went to the castle to try and save her dad.  And she did agree to bone it out with a lion-monster so he could go free.  That’s not Mulan style murder agency but it’s something.

8 – Jasmine, never saw Aladdin but for some reason I strongly dislike it.  Maybe because the Magic card Aladdin’s Ring is terrible?  Dunno.  Maybe because Robin Williams was in it.  I never cared for him.

Tied for last – Snow White, Cinderella, Aurora,  Pocahontas; the first three are old school do nothing Princesses who exist just to be prizes even though they’re the main characters.   Pocahontas helped the horrible white man take over her land.