“Is all this shit legal?” Grace asked. Lance’s only response was to grin. Grace wondered if she got a hold of that laptop, how many files she would find that you could also see on porn sites. The three investigators were crammed in Lance’s 2017 Nissan Juke NISMO RS, parked overlooking the modest home of the owner-operator of New You Cosmetic Surgery Clinic. They were watching several feeds on Lance’s tablet from tiny cameras that he had planted around the place via mini-drone, some of which were giving them a view directly into the house.
“This seems pretty illegal” reiterated Grace.
42561 was crammed in the backseat leaning forward to poke her head between the seats “It’s certainly icky, however legal it is.”
Lance guffawed “You think you aren’t being watched all the time? Grow up ladies. There’s a camera on you everywhere these days. Every time you pull your panties down, some NSA dork is beating his meat to it.”
Grace snorted “Who knew taking a piss was so erotic?”
42561 chuckled “I think he means all the nude tickle fights we have.”
Lance frowned “You mean you don’t?”
After that, Lance launched into a long mansplanation about the surveillance state and how there’s no privacy anymore. Which he seemed to be conflating with freedom of speech. Grace and 42561 didn’t pay much attention to it, but they both picked up on the fact that Lance seemed to both being praising it and hating on it at the same time. Like the majority of his opinions, it didn’t make a ton of sense under close scrutiny. He had diverged into how beef hormones were making everyone gay when camera two picked up another SUV pulling up to the house.
Lance put his finger right on the screen like a barbarian getting his greasy skin oils all over it “There’s your boy.”
Grace nodded “Sure, but I think you buried the headline, eagle eye – look what he and his buddy are carrying into the house.”
42561 said flatly “Is that a body bag?”
Grace raised an eyebrow “It sure looks like one to me, and it’s moving. There’s someone in there – someone still alive.” Grace slapped Lance on the thigh “Alright cowboy, time to mount up.”
He looked over at her “And by mount up, I assume you mean call the cops?”
Grace made a face “Cops? What kind of lone wolf bounty hunter are you? Grab your shotgun out of the trunk and let’s go Renegade on this chick’s ass.”
Lance looked confused “Shotgun? What shotgun? I don’t have a shotgun.”
“Well whatever kind of gun you have, I don’t know, just grab it and let’s roll on these fools.”
“I don’t have a gun, this isn’t Arizona. It’s California, people don’t just have guns here.”
Grace looked back at 42561 “You want to go?”
She nodded “Let’s go.”
Lance protested as they got out of his car “Wait, what are you doing? You’re going down there? This is a kidnapping in progress! Those people are dangerous down there! What are you doing?”
Grace leaned back in the window and stage-shouted in an over the top voice “I tell you what we’re gonna do brother, a big boot, a lariat, and a 1-2-3!”
Lance was utterly confused “What the fuck are you talking about?!”
42561 looked over at Grace as she joined her heading down the hill toward the house “What’s the plan?”
“You’re the one who has the magic strength to break people’s necks. My plan is to stay behind you.”
“Did you ever see that movie Splice?”
“No.”
“What about Splice 2: Legacy?”
“No.”
“Are you sure, that’s the one where Jake Gyllenhaal shows his dick.”
“I don’t know who Jack Gyllenwhatever is.”
42561 eyes went wide “What? How can you not know who Jack Gyllenhaal is? You’d know him if you saw his dick.”
“Are you going to come to a point soon? I’d like to finish this conversation before we go into the house and get killed by bug-monsters.”
“There was a woman in Splice that looked like a bug monster but since you haven’t seen it, forget it. At the end, she grew a dick and raped Sarah Polley.”
“Wonderful, thanks for bringing it up. Way to contribute to this undertaking.”
Rocket Cat 