Second floor – Perfumery, Wigs and lady’s hats, Third floor – Origins of human violence and crushing despair

I try to conduct my affairs from my car.  And I don’t really get any personal calls.  Some people have no problem spewing their business out in front of everyone backstage.  Last night I heard a guy asking his doctor “is it cancer?”   

The way he said it was chilling.  It wasn’t the tone of someone who wasn’t afraid.  Nor was it the tone of a macho man being macho.  The only way I can explain it is this.  I’ve never been in combat.  It seems pretty unlikely that I ever will be.  But his voice asking about cancer I imagine is what a rifleman sounds like after they’d been told they’re going into the line of fire.  They know it’s about to get bad but there’s no other options.  That’s what’s happening.  Get ready to fight for your life.

I’ve been dreaming about the guy with the denim vest lately.  He scurried away with all the other cockroaches so I didn’t hurt him too bad.  But it wasn’t for lack of trying.  And probably he was just a mouthy asshole.  I don’t know that he had anything to do with what was going on there.   

In the old days one time I hit a guy in the head with a brick and robbed him.  I don’t want to get into the details, but I felt like he deserved it.  There’s a part of me that says if someone is doing bad things, it’s okay to hurt them.  That they have it coming.

How do I get rid of that voice?  I poked around online but all of that stuff is about anger management.

What if you’re not angry when you want to hurt people?   Where’s the guidance for that?  I can’t be the only person like this right?

Someone said in the comments the other day that I need to have more fun.  That you go crazy if you don’t let loose every once in a while.  Since I’ve been in Texas lately, I bought a cowboy hat for 8 bucks.  I’ve been wearing that lately.  I guess it’s fun. 

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