I came here to tell you about the rhythms of the universe

I detoured to meet up with Josh/Dan/Mustafa in Cincinnati.  His drug/sex/music cult was having a meet and greet and I wanted to see what it was all about.   

The guy giving the seminar definitely looked like he was into drugs but is not someone I would touch with a 10-foot sex pole.  His music credentials remain unknown.  He looked more like a roadie than a musician to me.  You know the type.

Far be it from me to tell anyone how to run their cult, but I think it’s pretty standard cult practice to have the recruitment done by the more attractive members.  Why did they have this hairball as their frontman?  The Children of God knew how to do it, their whole pitch was to send out their most bangable members to sex people up and convince them to join.  Huh, I just realized that’s probably why my cult never took off.  That’s stings a little.

In the opening pitch the roadie said “music is the oldest and most powerful form of magic in the world”.  I asked him if he meant that literally or if he was being poetic.  Like how people say the heart is the strongest muscle in the body but they’re really talking about determination and not giving up rather than the muscles that make the heart go.

He smiled but I could tell it was covering up annoyance.  He didn’t answer me either.  I guess there is a story in the bible about someone playing a harp to kill a magician or something.  It wasn’t clear to me what happened.  I can see how you could use everyone singing in unison as a type of magic focus. Really anything that focuses people’s attention will work and singing is something people like. 

As the roadie continued with his spiel, I had other questions.  I was trying to get to the bottom, is this real magic or bullshit?  After a couple more interruptions, I was asked to shut up or leave.  But in a nicer way.  Sort of.   

So I don’t know if these people do magic or if they’re just a boring normal cult that takes your money and enslaves you. 

Afterwards Josh/Dan/Mustafa was clearly annoyed that I had embarrassed him in front of his cult friends.  I want to make a joke about how I’m so unlikable that even a cult doesn’t want me but cults are actually fairly selective in their recruitment.  They’re usually looking for a very specific kind of person.   They don’t want just anyone. 

One of those old sitcoms with no plot had a joke because the bald guy was mad because the cult wouldn’t try to brainwash him.  But it’s not like that.  They don’t want everyone.  Sorry bald guy.   

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