I couldn’t sleep. The idea that someone might be held against their will at that place was messing with me. So I came up with a plan. A really stupid plan.
I drove out to Havana. When I was a couple blocks away from the club I called 911 and said that a woman was being beaten to death out front. I gave them the address a couple times to make sure. I read that the average response time to a 911 call is 10 minutes. But that’s a national average, what is it in Havana Florida?
I waited a few minutes and then drove up to the club. I had enough goodwill that I was allowed to join the party outside. I’m not sure why I felt like I needed to wait for an “instigating incident” but I did. At one point I got up and someone had taken my seat. Denim vest did that old bit where you brush your mouth and say “let me clear you off a place to sit down”.
I laughed along with everyone else and then while I was laughing I clapped denim vest in the ear. Which sounds silly but it isn’t. It’s an old wrestler’s trick. They like to tell you that an ear slap ruptures the eardrum. That’s bullshit. It’s very hard to actually rupture an eardrum. Whacking someone hard in the ear is just a good way to fuck them up.
I kept laughing as I yanked denim vest off his lawn chair and slammed his head into the rear bumper of a VW Kombi van a couple of times. It’s funny, just the other day I was thinking how stupid it is in movies and shows when the main guy provokes a fight for the purpose of getting their ass kicked. What kind of dumbass writing is that?
I assumed that making fun of denim vest was fine but kicking his ass would be frowned upon. I assumed right. I managed to buy maybe thirty seconds by getting between the Kombi van and a 2008 Avenger that looked like more of a piece of shit than my Sedona.
After those 30 seconds they dragged me out and went to work on me. It was another 30 seconds before I heard sirens. Which doesn’t seem like a long time, but tell you what, take a hammer and hit yourself in the head with it for 30 seconds continuously and then talk to me about how long 30 seconds is. Once the sirens got close everyone scattered and cars were peeling out like crazy.
One fucker decided to dump his spit cup on me before he took off. I was a bloody mess when the cops rolled up in their cruiser. Which is when happens when you get gang-stomped for 45 seconds. I guess they were Florida state police? I don’t know how it all works.
I dumped a cooler full of ice and melted water over my head to cut the fog a little bit. I told the cops that my buddy owed these people money and I thought they had snatched him. I came to try and broker a deal with them and they kicked my ass instead.
I told them that I thought my friend might be locked up inside but they wouldn’t go in without a warrant. I don’t know if that’s legit or if they were being assholes. A couple more cruisers showed up, some that said Havana PD and some that just said Sheriff. Law enforcement is confusing.
Around 4 AM a woman showed up and said they could go in. I guess she was an attorney with the state? She wasn’t nearly as pretty as any of the DAs on Law and Order. They found a metal door that had a slot at the bottom to put food through like in prison. They could see through there slot that there was a person inside. They were non-responsive.
It was another two hours before the fire department cut the door off with some kind of crazy saw. It was like a robot arm with a spinning blade. I never seen anything like it before. Inside was Evan and Freddie’s friend laying on the ground zonked out of his mind.
I told the cops that wasn’t the buddy I was looking for. I “checked” my phone and saw that during all the excitement, the friend I was looking for had texted and he was fine. What a crazy coincidence huh?
Alternate titles – “45 seconds in heaven” , “I save a dude by getting wailed on”
LikeLiked by 2 people