Traditionally this time of year is for recrimination and cruel taunts. Which is something that I support whole heartedly. But I thought I would do something different myself. Rather than expressing the many ways that many people have disappointed me and tearing into them for their failings I am going to offer up some well-deserved apologies. Never let it be said that I am a man who doesn’t recognize when he is wrong.
I’d first like to apologize to Rhonda Rousey. For a while now I’ve been bad-mouthing her to everyone, and I mean everyone, because she came into the WWE was immediately put into the main event and became the unbeatable world champion and then quit because she didn’t like the way she was being treated. She had said before that he dream was to be in the WWE. I cruelly and wittily misquoted this as her saying that her dream was to be in the WWE for six months and then quit like a baby.
Then I found out that she fractured a disk in her back and she quit only 50% because she’s a baby. 50% was because of a legit injury. So I apologize for my scorn. Only 50% of it was deserved.
Sidenote I think there’s a good lesson there about someone going from zero to being in main event matches all the time. They’re probably going to break something because their body isn’t used to being wailed on all the time. It’s weird to think that fake wrestling is more dangerous than real fighting but it is in a way.
Side-sidenote, I read Hellboy in Mexico this weekend. It was pretty good. I like that the dude who wrote it said “I don’t really know anything about luchadores or Mexico but it seemed cool so I did it anyway”. Write what you know!
Next I’d like to apologize to Kobe Bryant. Until he died I thought he was just a really good basketball playing rapist. When he died though I found out that he was the best person ever. I had no idea that a rapist could be so great. He was an important part of so many people’s lives and they were deeply affected by his death. Imagine how hard it is to be that great and important after you raped someone. He was really something.
My next apology is to Dolly Parton. I’m sorry that I hate you even though you did nothing wrong.
Somehow in 2020 it became a fad to talk about how great Dolly Parton is. I heard or read that she was the only good thing to happen in 2020 at least 10 times. Which is confusing because she’s been around and been famous for a long time. I’m interested how she “happened” in 2020.
Anyway, people have praised her so much, and in such a stupid way that is clearly just to be part of a fad that it made me hate her. Sorry Dolly.
I’d like to apologize to whoever is in charge of Shameless. The director? The showrunner? The producer? I don’t know how shows work. But whoever you are I am sorry. Instead of hating the show for getting progressively worse and then sucking I should remember how much I loved the first few seasons.
I guess while I’m at it I should apologize to the same people on Lost and Battlestar Galactica. I shouldn’t focus on the crappy ending, I should enjoy the great beginning. You did better than most people.
I can’t wait for 2021 to wrong more people so I can apologize! It’s fun!