It’s fun to steal

The blog that I blogged ten blogs ago was about half random nonsense, whatever I was thinking about at the time.  But the other half consisted of some staples.  Dating foibles (thank goodness I don’t have to talk about that anymore!) unwanted updates on wrestling, unwanted analysis of comic books, and occasionally super-unwanted RPG chatter.  But the staple of staples was a story from my trip to the grocery store that week.  I mean what else was I going to talk about charity work?  LOL right?  See it’s funny because I’m a terrible person.

As a blast from the past here’s a grocery story from just this morning.  A big dude was up front by the doors.  Not a scary big dude, just a big dude.  And by dude I mean he was probably like 20.  I assume out of the staff there, which is mostly teenage girls that look like they’re 12 and super old people, he’s the muscle.  He was on the walkie and as far as I could tell he was trying to rouse to the loss control officer to do something and the LCO was pretending that he couldn’t hear him.  How do I know he was pretending?  I don’t for sure, but it sounded like when the LCO was walkie-ing back he’d say “Sorry I can’t hear you” and them immediately reference what the big dude had just said. 

What was going on?  No idea.  I saw no crimes being perpetrated.  Big guy said a couple times “they’re still here” but I couldn’t see anything that he could be referring to which.  So someone was stealing something probably?  My buddy Ant Samurai has a pretty good story about being in a store with his family while someone tried to rob the place.  Isn’t that fun, that I told you about the existence of a story?  That’s not as bad as when someone tries to explain an inside joke they have with someone else but its close.

Point is I got the no stir almond butter this time so we won’t have another incident like before.

One time when I was a kid I wanted to buy the MASK toy that changed from a motorcycle into a helicopter.  I had the money, I wasn’t asking for my parents to buy it for me, I just wanted to buy it.  But this request was denied because “you have enough toys”.  As a kid I found this concept indecipherable.  Too many toys?  Too many for what?  I couldn’t wrap my little kid brain around the idea that I had the money for something but wasn’t allowed to buy it. 

So of course with no other options I resolved to steal it.  I had no plan, I just went into the store and picked it up and headed for the registers.  I guess I was thinking I would come up with a plan on the way.  Well really I wasn’t thinking.  But before I took even a few steps another kid glared at me and barked “put it back!”

Did I look guilty and he knew what was up?  Or was he just being a dick?  His motives remain a mystery.

I like to pretend that this was the inspiration for this lyric from the Beastie Boy’s song Ch-Check It Out –

“Yo money don’t chump yourself,

Put that shit back on the shelf”

This is impossible for a variety of reasons.  One, the youngest of the Beastie Boys is 11 years older than me.  So in 1986 when I was making a lame attempt to shoplift a toy they were all in their early twenties.  Two, even if the ages did line up I understand that they’re from New York which means they were unlikely to be at the Target in Fort Dodge Iowa.  And three, I already inspired the KRS-One song “Sound of Da Police” so what are the odds that I would have influenced two influential rap artists?  Because that’s how probability works, just ask ANYONE. 

And finally we turn to the world of Warhammer 40k.  There’s four Chaos Gods.  Khorne the lord of blood and murdering murder.  Slannesh the freaky bondage monster with a thousand boobs.  Tzeentch the one who does something unclear.  And then Nurgle, the fat pile of shit who loves pus and maggots.  From what I see on the blogworld of wordpress Nurgle seems to be the most popular.  Which is odd to me.  

I get why no one is into Slannesh.  If you roll up to the gaming table with your “army” of tanks with 50 dicks and ten vaginas people aren’t going to want to play with you.  Nor should they.  I think people have decided that Khorne is played out.  Everyone loved Khorne before so now it’s not cool anymore.  Because people who play Warhammer 40k are really into being cool.  But why do they like the butthole worm monster over the one that’s kind of not about anything?  I guess maybe it’s more fun to paint pustule and buboes and tumor-heads than normal stuff. 

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