Can’t sleep

I can’t sleep.  After I got back here I sat on the bed for a long time doing nothing.  I got on my phone and started going down an internet hole on Christa Pike.  After a while I couldn’t get the image of her mug shot out of my head.  She was halfway smiling in the picture.  How she’s related to the girl I met, I don’t know.

If anything she said is even true.  I keep turning the entire conversation over in my mind.  I think she was lying about a lot of things.  Maybe she was lying about almost everything.  But she knew I was coming and she knew what happened.  So she’s the real thing when it comes to magic at least. 

There are a hundred things racing through my mind, but the one that I can’t get past is how she could be so much more powerful than me.  Just from a book she found?  With no one teaching her?  How is that possible?  The only thing that makes sense is that she’s not careful, doesn’t care what might happen when a spell goes wrong.  Maybe she’s just doing it by trial and error and has been lucky by not killing herself in the process so far. 

Part of me wants to just drive away and forget about all of this.  Part of me is mad at myself for being afraid of a fucking teenager.  I’ve never wanted to talk to Royale more than I do tonight.  He said that the ability to use magic is terrible burden.  That the purpose of learning magic is to protect people.  I didn’t know what he was talking about.  Demons?  Monsters?  He definitely stopped people from using magic to do bad things.  But how?  What did he do?

I wanted to talk to him so badly I did something I’ve never done before.  I prayed.  I don’t even really know to what or why.  I just did.  I begged whatever might be listening to let me talk to Royale for just a minute.  But that’s not how life works. 

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