This is going to seem like one of those melodramatic cries for help designed to elicit sympathy or scream for attention but it’s not. I’m many things but an emotional vampire isn’t one of them.
I don’t really know what it feels like to be happy. I don’t think I’m depressed or traumatized, I just don’t really know what happiness is. When I get some money in my pocket I feel a sense of relief. But that’s not what happiness is. I don’t think I believe in therapy, but I would be interested in what a therapist would say about me if we talked for a while. Like they do on Law and Order when someone crazy commits murder and they want to lock them up.
I watched the episode the other day where Dr. Olivet puts herself in the path of a rapist and gets raped twice in order to catch the guy. That’s pretty fucked up.
Many wrestlers talk about how they’re addicted to the rush of being in the ring. Heels often talk about how much they love when people hate them. I’ve never really felt that. I’ll be honest, I do like upsetting people. When some asshole in the crowd is being an asshole, I like messing with them. But what I really want to do is punch them. I don’t think that’s happiness. Or if it is, it’s not a good kind.
All I really do is drive to shows and perform. Driving certainly doesn’t make me happy and if performing doesn’t either, what else is there? I watched a video once that talked about how you can’t fulfill any emotional needs until all your physical needs are met. Maybe that’s going on with me. Maybe until I feel like I’m safe having enough money to live, I can’t worry about anything else.