When your mom told you that you could be anything, she was wrong – unless you’re a wrestler

I worked the Pine Bluff show last night.  My opponent was fucking gorgeous.   She couldn’t wrestle for shit but she was truly beautiful.  She looked like that girl from Parks and Rec – Aubrey Plaza.  Even though she was terrible we had a decent match.  She had some bald dude with her, I hope it was her dad or something and not her boyfriend since he was at least twenty-five years older than her, but whoever he was he knew how to put a match together for her specifically.  They had developed a routine designed to hide her weaknesses, it was more like sports entertainment than wrestling-wrestling but it was one of the few times I actually felt like I was having fun out there so far. 

The crowd was into it too, but it’s hard to say how much of that was just because her ass was hanging out and her tits weren’t far behind.  So I guess it’s wrong to say that she wasn’t a good wrestler, because we had a good match.  And wrestling is about making it look good, which she did.  So I’ll say that she was unathletic and not super into taking bumps and not great at doing wrestling moves and making them look real.  So considering those factors she was actually a fantastic wrestler, because look what she did even with those limitations. 

The best part is after the show, baldy and Aubrey Plaza 2 took me out for dinner to thank me for working with them.  I enjoyed my grand slam breakfast so much that it didn’t occur to me until later that they can do that because she probably got paid five times what I did and then sold a bunch of 8 by 10s and other merch after the show.  I’ve heard that back in the day, the faces used to give some of their money to the heels because they acknowledged that they couldn’t look good without someone else to be their foil.  No one does that anymore. 

There was also a dude on the show that called himself Fartman.  He had a gold shiny suit with the ass cheeks cut out.  I didn’t say anything to this guy, I didn’t even give him a look, but somehow he could tell that I thought he was a fucking moron.  I know this because he came up to me to explain that it was a thing some old guy did on the radio in the 90s.  I don’t understand why that was supposed to make me like him more.  Not only was he a fucking moron, his fucking moron idea wasn’t even original?  How is that better?

I realize that I’m breaking my own advice here because he was memorable, but this falls into the category of there IS such a thing as bad press.  I looked up the guy he was ripping off, Howard Stern, and the internet says he’s famous for having topless women on his radio show.  Explain to me how a naked woman on the radio is a draw.  I thought everyone was on coke in the 80s not the 90s. 

Again I realize that this is somewhat hypocritical coming from the woman in black trunks with the gimmick of “is a wrestler” but it’s amazing to me how little imagination there is in the world of wrestling.  Most people don’t even try anything, and the best thing this guy could come up with was to steal a stupid idea from 30 years ago.  You can literally do anything in professional wrestling.  There are no rules.  Look at ThunderFrog – that’s a guy who said, what if I was Thor and also a giant frog-man.  That’s something. 

You can be anything you want in wrestling and most people don’t be anything.  You can be a space ninja with bionic legs.  You can be Captain Ahab come to life.  You can be a clone of Abraham Lincoln.  There’s nothing holding you back.  I often heard it said that the best gimmicks are your real personality turned up to 11.  I’ll call bullshit on that.  Unless the Undertaker is an undead lightning bolt throwing mortician in real life.  Which, and I’m just guessing here, I don’t think he is. 

Wouldn’t it be crazy if the Undertaker knew magic and really was shooting lightning from his hand?  I should buy one of his old hats on eBay and see if there’s any magic rattling around in there I can suck up.  Or at least one of those foam urns they used to sell.

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