Maybe she’s born with it maybe it’s Maybelline

I had what was probably my best match so far last night.  I was wrestling a guy called Little Junior Toro, which is just a terrible name.  I was expecting him to be some kind of rip-off of El Torito from the WWE.  I was wondering if he was going to be a little person.  I know that’s a thing in wrestling, is it wrong that I was kind of dreading wrestling a little person?  But instead of a bull he had a fish gimmick – he had a silvery bodysuit that was made to look like it had scales on it and he had fin things on his forearms and the backs of his legs.  It was pretty stupid looking if you ask me.  I guess Toro also means fish?  And he was little, not a little person but a regular sized person who was little.  He was a non-little person who was like five four. 

He looked like a buffoon but he knew how to wrestle and he put together a great match for us.  People were actually cheering, not many because there weren’t many people there, but it’s the first time anyone’s ever cheered for me for a reason other than me (actually my fetch) taking a crazy bump.  In which case they aren’t really cheering for me anyway, they were cheering for seeing someone get fucked up.  I got into this business purely because there was no other way for me to make money that I found palatable but I’ve heard a lot of people talk about the rush of performing.  Getting cheered for real made me understand that a little.

I talked to him a little after the match, I wanted to thank him, and he told me that what I needed to do was get myself some decent ring gear.  He went on a semi-rant about how every indy show you go to is a bunch of guys in jeans and black t-shirts and one of the reasons that he’s successful (well not successful successful he was working a show with me at an event center in Broken Arrow after all) is because he has a memorable look.  You forget the fifteen guys in black shirts, you remember the guy dressed like a fish.  He told me that I have to invest in some real ring gear if I want to be anything other than another anonymous face. 

He’s right of course, although the female equivalent is booty shorts and sports bra rather than jeans and a t-shirt.  That’s all well and good and he’s right, but that shit is expensive.  You want something that looks good you have to pay through the nose for it, if you can even find someone to make it for you.  All due respect to Mr. Toro but not all of us have wives that are seamstresses and can make us silly fish outfits.  Maybe I should work on trying to learn a spell that can sew for me. 

Since I was feeling happy about having a really good match something bad had to happen to balance it out.  The promoter, who had a belt buckle that looked to be a taxidermy weasel head, gave me shit after the show about not wearing any make-up.  He said that he assumed that I was going to cover up my scars because “You’re here to look like you’re getting beat up in the ring, not come to the ring looking like you already got beat up.”

I don’t know shit about make-up, and even if I did I don’t think I’d cover up my scars – that’s something memorable about me like fishboy and his scales.  I remember the first time I was backstage at a show and saw the women in front of their mirrors doing their make-up.  I was shocked that you’d put make-up on to go wrestle but I guess that was stupid of me.  Of course they wear make-up in the ring.  I’ve seen that when you get to the WWE the first thing they do, before wrestling, before promos, before anything, is take a make-up class.  Fucked up right?

I was working a match once and a woman was trying to put me in a headlock but she had no clue what she was doing and basically we were standing there cheek to cheek while she was trying to . . . I have no clue what she was trying to do actually.  Some of her foundation or blush or whatever got in my eye and that hurt like a motherfucker.  My eye got all infected and pusy the next few weeks.  How does that make any sense?  Isn’t make-up supposed to be safe?  I know you’re not supposed to get it in your eye, but aren’t they testing cosmetics on bunnies all the time to make sure it doesn’t fuck up your eye if it does get in there? 

Maybe I’m allergic to cosmetics.  That’s what I should tell people that hassle me about it anyway.