You know what you look like

I saw a video of a wardrobe malfunction I had at a show in Fayetteville a few weeks back.  My nipple was exposed for a nanosecond. If there’s one talent wrestling fans have it’s detecting nipples and then isolating and expanding them to be shared with the world.  I don’t know which to be upset about more, the video being posted or the fact that only two hundred people have viewed it.

Or that it has no likes.

I worked a show in Lawrence last night. The promoter actually did some advertising, which is a god damn miracle. Humorously most promoters are terrible at promoting.  They put up a few flyers and call it good and then wonder why no one shows up. 

Maybe they should be called organizers. Or just assholes.  Most of the promoting was about how some local DJ was going to fight a porn star on the show But at least they were getting the word out.  Her name was Juicebox or Gloryhole.  I’d heard all kinds of promotion about how this porn star was going to be there.  This is an important detail for what happens next.

I get to the venue, and, they have a dressing room for the female talent. This is another miracle.   I dress in my car most of the time because a lot of these joints have nowhere for anyone to dress and if they do it’s for the guys because there’s at best two women on the show anyway. 

I know some women go in there and dress with the guys like it’s no big deal. While making a big deal about how it’s no big deal to them. It will be a cold day in hell before I do that.  They promoted the show and they had a dressing room for me?  This should have been a great gig.

When I went into the changing area, I saw a woman with giant bleach-blonde hair, gianter fake tits, a mess of crappy tattoos, and those weird puffy porn lips they have.  What’s the deal with those porn lips?  Collagen? 

I assumed that was the porn lady I had heard so much about.  So we start talking and I asked her something about being in the adult film industry and she flipped because it turns out she was not the porn lady, she was a wrestler there to work the show like me.  I apologized. I also pointed out that looking the way she did, she shouldn’t be so offended if someone makes that mistake.  In retrospect that was not cool.

This made her more mad, mad enough that she tried to slap me.  I got a hold of her by the arm and forced her to the ground, not hurting her (much) and I explained to her that she may come from some Real Housewives slap-happy bullshit fucking world where that’s something you do to emphasize a point, but that in the world I come from if you slap someone that means you want to fight, a real fight with punching and eye gouging, not sissy slaps. 

I told her that I was going to let her up and when I did if she tried slapping me again, knowing what that meant, then we’d have a fight because that what she was asking for.  When I let her up and she didn’t try to slap me again, she just cursed the blue blazes at me and then ran off to cry to the promoter.

I’m pretty sure he would have kicked me off the show if he hadn’t already paid me.  Instead I had to listen to a lecture from him and then apologize to her again because she looks like an adult film actress.  I already have a reputation for being “difficult” and reputation is all you have to get jobs in this line of work, so this isn’t great. 

On top of everything else my match sucked.  The girl I was working with was sandbagging me the whole time and everything we did looked like shit.  I don’t know if it’s because she’s friends with the not porn star or just because she knew the promoter was mad at me and she wanted to suck up to him by making me look bad but she was giving me nothing.  We totally botched the finish and she fucking landed right on my face with her ass.

Here’s the punchline.  The actual porn star never showed up, so the lady I was beefing with did the spot with the DJ pretending to be a porn star.  The irony was lost on everyone else.

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