Five Easy Pieces – The Movie : The Ride

One of my classic “bits” is referring to something as “The Movie : The Ride”.  I do this because one time there was a roller-coaster that was called Batman The Movie : The Ride.  They did that because the parent company that owned the theme park had the licensing rights to the Batman movie, not Batman as a general concept so they felt (rightly?  Wrongly?  What I am a lawyer?) that it was important to protect themselves from a lawsuit by making sure that people knew this was not a Batman roller-coaster it was a roller-coaster based on the Batman movie.  I believe the movie in question was Batman Forever.  It was not a good movie bit I did kind of like Jim Carey as the Riddler.  KIND OF.  One time my friend Bionic Elbow Jones said that the movie Crow : City of Angels “wasn’t that bad” and 24 years later we still give him crap about how he loves Crow : City of Angels and it’s his favorite movie. 

Movie remakes that are better than the original –

True Grit – I love the True Grit Remake.  It’s great.  The original is kind of okay.  Have I seen a movie with John Wayne in it that I like?  I don’t think so.  Unfortunately I think I watched the remake enough times that I started to not like it as much.  So now I don’t watch it.  So maybe someday I can watch it again.  Weird huh?  The original True Grit had a sequel.  I wouldn’t mind if the remake had one as well by Jeff Bridges said he’s too old to do it. 

Ocean’s 11 – Remake is pretty fun movie.  I didn’t know it was a remake until I saw the original on TMC one day.  It’s terrible.  If I remember correctly the original is 17 hours long and has 1 minute that’s vaguely interesting.  It made me wonder why they remade it.  Did someone love that awful movie and wanted to remake it?  Or was it just a lark?  Or was it like a writing challenge – can we make this piece of degraded dogshit into a good movie? 

I thought there would be more but I can’t think of any.  Actually that’s not true, I can think of a lot of other remakes that were better than the original but they still sucked.  So I guess those are the two movie re-makes that are better than the original and also don’t suck. 

Kid Rock movies ranked –

#1 – Joe Dirt                       This movie is much like David Spade himself, you’d never go out of your way to see it but if you happen upon it there’s enough humor there to make you not hate it.  Much.  Plus Dennis Miller is in it, remember when Dennis Miller was a thing?

#2 – Biker Boyz                 Eriq LaSalle is in this.  Was it the only thing he did other than ER?  Probably not but I’ll be damned if I can think of anything else.  Is it racist that I think “he was probably in a bunch of black movies and shows”?  A little. 

#3 – The Forsaken            I never saw this movie but it’s about a vampire road trip maybe?  I feel like there have been a bunch of movies called the Forsaken and half of them have been about vampires.  And a western with Tommy Lee Jones in it maybe?  He played Two-Face in Batman Forever.  That’s a callback!

#4 – Osmosis Jones          Didn’t see this one either, it’s an animated movie about immune system maybe?  I remember when it came out it became popular for movie reviewers to go nuts about how awful it was.  One guy said “it’s okay why is everyone freaking out?” and everyone freaked out on him.  I believe it was supposed to have ruined Chris Rock’s career forever.  I don’t think it did, I mean he’s going to be the next season of Fargo, but even if he did that’s fine because he will live on forever in the form of the Chris Rock Test.  The test is as follows – Is your daughter a stripper?  If the answer is yes then you’re a bad father.  It’s genius is its simplicity. 

#5 Larry the Cable Guy : Health Inspector             Didn’t see this one either.  I rated it last because either you’re a cable guy or you’re a health inspector you can’t be both.  That’s the law.  According to a wildly inaccurate but popular website Larry the Cable Guy has a net worth of $100 million.  Probably not true but I think he’s doing just fine.  In years past I was on a variety of dating sites – there’s more women with Git-R-Done tramp stamps than you would think. 

Addendum to last blog.  I forgot to mention Kim Basinger.  She played the character of Honey Horny in Wayne’s World 2.  Because she was broke.  She violated a contract to do a movie and apparently unlike in the corporate world where everyone violates their contracts all the time and nothing happens in Hollywood they take that shit seriously.  She was sued for 10 million dollars cash and ended up paying them 4 million.  Which was enough to wipe out 90’s Kim Basinger.  She needed money so she did Wayne’s World 2.  Playing the character of Honey Horny. 

This raises many questions for me.  One, was she upset by this or was she able to laugh it off?  Was she in her trailer crying every day because she was an Academy Award winning actress playing  Honey Horny or was she yukking it up with the cast because how silly?  Also does this make the producers or casting people or whomever of Wayne’s World 2 assholes?  Were they taking advantage of Kim Basinger?  Or was it fine because she got paid millions of dollars to do little to nothing?  Did you know that Kim Basinger is the only actress who’s both won and Academy Award and posed for Playboy?  They should add that to the EGOT and call it GENOT – the N is for nudity you see.  It doesn’t have to be Playboy, which is good  because I think they went away a few years ago, you just have to be nude in some magazine.  And it has to be a real physical magazine not this online bullshit.  I mean who hasn’t been nude online?

Whoopi Goldberg is the only person alive who seems like they have a shot at the GENOT, and that’s pretty slim I would say.  Maybe she can get in the ESPN body issue, she could be in great shape – I have no information on what shape Whoopi Goldberg is in. 

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