An in-depth critical analysis of gender issues by the king of feminism

I was trained from birth by THE MEDIA to believe that all women hate sex and all men want to hump everything that moves.  I have no idea how much that messed me up, but some.  I’ve since learned that MAYBE that isn’t true and that MAYBE the fact that I don’t think about sex every three seconds, as men have been PROVEN BY SCIENCE to do, doesn’t mean that I’m an asexual freakazoid.  THE MEDIA has backed off that some, but only in the sense that now 13% of women characters are mega-sluts (although some of them are lying and are actually virgins). 

Bridesmaids is a fantastic movie and I love it.  It proved once and for all that women can be funny and the topic was never brought up again by anyone.  Not even once, which is amazing.  However I realized that it kind of falls into this same traditional whatever (propaganda?).  The lead character Annie is banging Jon Hamm because she wants him to fall in love with her, the banging is just a means to an end.  She don’t care bout the banging.  Later she bangs the Irish dude playing a Canadian dude but that’s just something to do.  The married lady played by the blonde from Reno 911! hates sex and her husband because he wants to have sex, which she hates as previously established.  One time at my old job the big boss was talking about how revolting she finds her husband and how she would never even consider having sex with him.  The women she was talking to all agree that their husbands are grotesque monsters that they would rather die than see naked.  I think only some of them meant it, the others were just kissing up to the boss. 

The redhead from the Office only has a small part and her only involvement is as a punchline so we’ll ignore her, although she does admit that she does want to have sex with her husband at one point (when drunk I think).  The only other character that has anything to say about sexy times is Megan who seems to be a new stereotype they’re building – the overweight unpleasant weirdo who’s DTF at all times.  Melissa McCarthy isn’t really ugly, but she’s Hollywood ugly while the rest of the cast is traditionally attractive.  Regardless her character is certainly portrayed as someone annoying and abrasive and bizarre that you would not want to be around in any sense. 

This seems to be the new thing.  You have your main female character be blasé or a non-entity when it comes to the triple X throwdowns and then you have a secondary character that’s unappealing and unpleasant and she’s the one who’s good to go.   So basically it’s telling the same tale in a more subtle way – the good looking non-insane woman could take it or leave it, it’s only the abhorrent monster lady who likes it.  Other examples – little Anna Kendrick and Rebel Wilson in Pitch Perfect, America Ferrara and the chick with the big rack on Superstore.  I feel like there are many others but that’s what comes to mind at the moment. 

I suppose the counter-argument if you wanted to make one would be that for the main character lady their attitudes towards sex have been normalized so they fade into the background because there’s nothing to talk about.  After all we don’t talk about the sexuality of any male characters – except Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon. 

In conclusion Bridesmaids is the greatest movie ever and put to rest the antiquated notion that women aren’t funny forever (it was never mentioned again) but is it secretly reinforcing the same old fashioned gender notions that provided the grist for 80% of the stand-up comedy in the 80’s and 70% in the 90s?  You be the judge. 

No, wait, I be the judge.  Verdict – mistrial.   

The other day a person who shall remain nameless and anonymous sent me a video of an alligator climbing a chain link fence.  But before the video played there was a commercial (advertisement?) for a video game.  I assume the name of this video game was Ass Jiggler 3 – Revenge of the Jiggly Ass because most of the advertisement commercial was a close up of the jiggly ass of a video game lady.  At one point they cut away to a gun firing and then quickly went back to the ass to show how much the gunfire made the ass jiggle. 

This raises several questions.  First and foremost – are jiggly asses in now?  I thought we were supposed to be keeping it high and tight.  Bonus question, why is a hardass someone who’s uncompromising and tough?  I hardbody is someone who’s keeping it high and tight, so wouldn’t a hardass be someone specifically who has a highly sculpted muscular ass?  Second question – how important is the jiggliness of the ass when considering what video game you want to buy? I assume that if you have two games that are the same but one has jiggly asses the ass game might slightly outsell the other name because someone is going to prefer a game with jiggly asses but is it enough to offset the cost of making the jiggly asses? 

Maybe it is, it’s hard to know for sure, but it seems like some portion of the success of Tomb Raider was the insanely large boobs of Lara Croft (although her ass was motionless as far as I know).  Remember when the first Tomb Raider movie came out and nerds everywhere were horrified because Angelina Jolie only had nauseating 36C boobs (at the time) and even with the boob padding she was merely a repulsive 36D and NOT the 36 DOUBLE D like the REAL Lara Croft.  It was so bad people boycotted the movie they did!  FAIL!! RUINED!!!  The movie only made 150 million dollars!!!!!!!!!!! And then in 2018 they made a new movie with a new actress – Alicia Vikander – who is obviously GROSS and DISGUSTING!!!!!!!!!  Her boobs are so small you can’t even tell that she’s a woman!  BOYCOTT!!!  FAIL!!! RUINED!!!  That movie only made 180 million dollars, I mean why even bother right?  I’d rather die than be given 180 million dollars.  We have to stop the M-SHE-U before it ruins everything! 

In conclusion I give Ass Jiggler 3 five stars.